SCIENCE: Neptune May Have Facefucked Another Planet’s Wife

March 13, 2010
By

ROGERS, NEW MEXICO — Dr. Vlad Nightengale: “With all due respect, I have seen some hairy shit since I took over as lead astronomer here at TRU Science, not the least of which was last year’s discovery that shooting stars are, in fact, gay, but I have never seen anything remotely as brazen as what these findings suggest.  I mean, you have this conception that everything is going to work out- sure you see them going through some hard times, but you always figure that if planets can’t get it right, what hope is there for the rest of us, y’know?  They keep us on a strict drug regimen out here in the desert but I was still pretty shaken up when I finally saw our findings in print.”

“Oh sure, the media will spin it like they don’t know for certain what happened or whose wife he stole, or whose kids he took out to the PuttPutt, but Neptune knew goddamn well what he was cooking up when he ‘accidentally’ picked up the wrong gym bag.  Interstellar snake in the grass is what he is. He’s sick.  It’s gotta be hard to picture Neptune rubbin up on his moon’s ionosphere if you’re super-earth, lemme tell ya.  The only thing left of you, the only thing that hasn’t been stolen, are a bunch of scattered, impotent dust particles.  And I’ll wager my motherfucking Stanford PhD that Neptune didn’t even have a ring on at the time!”

Thank you for your testimony, Doctor. Guards, please–

“I know, I know, they’re just planets.  Lonely balls of fluid matter, if you prefer, but I don’t really see how a bunch of carbon monkeys can fail to see the similarities- goddamn hypocrites!- he was touching her gas balls!  Her GAS BALLS!  And the kids, what about the kids?!  Judy had just started developing… Soccer practice and youth symphony, she fucking cared! Are they supposed to just—”

Thank you Doctor Nightengale, that concludes this exit interview. We appreciate your personal concerns on this Doctor, and again, we are sorry that we were not able to reconcile our differences. Now we turn our attention to Matter #34509 of the Agenda, “Shit Napkins in the Laboratory Bathroom.” Janitor Jessup, please begin.

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