Kurt Russell Airlines: “Fuck the Volcanic Ash, Welcome Aboard”

April 17, 2010

LONDON–Despite the closure of airspace over twenty European countries due to volcanic ash spreading over the continent, Kurt Russell Airlines (KRA) announced Sunday they will resume all scheduled flights immediately. Engineers have cautioned that aircraft operating in the ash-saturated skies will suffer irreparable engine damage and are potentially unsafe for passengers and crew, but a spokesman for KRA dismissed the concerns as “total horseshit.”

“These eggheads don’t realize that we’re smoke eaters, that we live for this shit,” he explained, occasionally pausing to take draughts out of a warm flask. “With the revenue we’re losing by canceling all these flights–for no fucking reason–I could maybe get Janet to come home again. Goddammit why won’t she come home?”

Shareholders of Kurt Russell Airlines, a nascent but potent player in the European airline industry, applauded the move as one more reason to never question the company’s motives, ever. Similar support was voiced in the fall of 2007, when KRA aquired the controversial broken barstool conglomerate BELCO for an undisclosed price. “If there was anyone who believed that the broken barstool market was a sleeper, KRA just shot that theory to hell” said one analyst, who refused to identify himself for fear of KRA’s “left hook.”

When asked about the safety issues surrounding the decision to resume flying in volcanic ash, KRA’s spokesman expressed regret that it had to make such a difficult decision, but stressed that the company would be vindicated again. “I don’t listen to candy asses because that’s how people get hurt. Now get the fuck out of my way.”

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  1. Kirk Gibson on October 28, 2010 at 11:15 pm

    Consider me booked. I also look forward to the Escape From LA taxi service.

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