Driver’s Ed Helps Seniors Achieve Independence, Revenge

April 21, 2010

ROANOKE, VA–Two Rogers, Inc. is proud to announce its Golden Wheels driving seminar for senior citizens. The course stresses safety, awareness, and the palpable satisfaction of vehicular reprisal for drivers who are 60 years old and above.

“It can be tough if you’re a senior and you still want to maintain your independence,” says Jodi Quinn, coordinator of Golden Wheels. “Something as simple as picking up a gallon of milk, or nudging the back wheel of the Donaldson’s kid’s bike on a sharp turn can be really intimidating for folks who aren’t used to today’s modern automobile.”

In the seminar, seniors are taught the correct posture for driving (at least 4 inches above the wheel), the 3-point parallel parking technique, and how to harness the awesome knowledge that the hulking mass of steel controlled by the sweep of your hands will once and for all bring sweet justice to that pencil-dicked son-in-law who returned those nice soup mixes you gave him.

Seniors who have attended the seminar, which is being testing in smaller, rural markets, raved about its benefits. “I didn’t know how to turn on the wipers before I took Golden Wheels” squealed Gladys Fairview, age 94. “And I need their hypnotic rhythm on the freeway to concentrate on all the wrongs Shoneys has done to me and my kin.”

Kenneth Williams, 69, boasted that Golden Wheels has allowed him to keep up with his retired steel mill buddies. “These busy roads used to keep me from seeing Larry and the gang cause they live in West Virginia,” Mr. Williams said, “But now they know that those poker games were real–real as the tracks on that bastard’s lawn.” Despite having to borrow his son’s car, Mr. Williams enjoys the time spent out of his house. “I mean, the granddaughters’ legs will heal,” he said, “but who knows what else’s gonna happen now that I’m mobile again.”

Ms. Quinn hopes to build on the success of the program this fall with another seminar focused on helping parolees ride motorcycles.

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  1. Gerard Freeman on September 9, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    Ah, old people. Glad to see they have a reason to live!

  2. Chuck Lyme on November 5, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Haha, seniors.

  3. Kerrie Walega on November 16, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    I was pleasantly surprised to see Nanna behind the wheel again after last years incident. But your course seemed like the perfect way to wash the blood off her hands, metaphorically speaking. So far, all signs point towards her increased independence!

  4. Kieran Faxon on November 23, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and drive through all those skateboarding teens?!

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