SEC to Goldman Sachs: Selling Lemonade is Illegal

April 16, 2010
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NEW YORK–Attorneys for the Securities & Exchange Commission filed suit against Goldman Sachs & Co. today in federal court for selling lemonade. This would be the first time in United States history that a company has been prosecuted for refreshing a thirsty nation. “This reeks of faux-populist appeasement and we will fight these allegations to their sweet, tart, but never bitter end” fumed Marc Gottlieb, attorney for Goldman Sachs on his way out of the company’s Manhattan headquarters on Friday afternoon.

Although Goldman sold their icy cold libations for 25 cents per Dixie cup, and frequently provided complimentary cups to Mr. and Mrs. Gorman because they loaned Goldmen an old card table they weren’t really using anyway, the Federal government felt that Goldman had been exploiting the American consumer. “Just because they were nice to a few elderly couples and one or two kids who needed some tape for their big wheel pedals, doesn’t mean they should catch a break from their illegal activities,” said the SEC’s lead attorney Robert Khuzami. Khuzami elaborated: “Goldman has breached the trust of every single lip that has tasted their admittedly delicious lemonade. A trust that was forged in their charity wrapping paper sales of the past three or so years; we helped them sell enough for a remote controlled car–are you aware how many points you need for that fucking car?”

Analysts across Wall Street were uniformly shocked at the lawsuit and many chided the government for what they describe as shortsightedness.  “I mean, Christ, they’re just kids” noted Jeffrey Wyman of Vanguard, “they even had graham crackers every once in a while. Goldman would never mean anyone any harm, ever.” Sipping on a small glass of Country Time, Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein seemed genuinely hurt by allegations in the lawsuit. “It’s not fair,” he sniffled, before pausing the Jonas Brothers CD in his Fisher Price boombox. “I really like sand,” he added.

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