Intern Defiles Priceless Steven Seagal

May 14, 2010
By

JEFFERSON PARISH, LA–Curators around the world are lamenting the abasement of a priceless Steven Seagal at the hands of an inexperienced intern at his home on the outskirts of New Orleans. Upon learning that the intern, Kayden Nguyen, vitiated the work of art by neglecting its immediate carnal needs, authorities filed suit against Ms. Nguyen and her future children, should she ever be permitted to bear any inside the tungsten sarcophagus she will surely be imprisoned in.

“This particular Seagal must be preserved with the strictest regimen of maintenance,” says J. Jean Parret, a curator at the Getty Museum in Los Angeles. “He needs constant glazing and re-glazing, a subtly fluctuating room temperature around 21C, and when he asks you to hit his thighs with flaming otter pelts until he climaxes, then you’d better fucking grab the acetylene torch.” Parret notes that this type of negligence is rare, and is usually encountered in galleries featuring less prestigious works. “I can understand if this were a Kandinsky or a MirĂ³, but if a Seagal is crying out for its caretaker to don a suit made of scissors and gargle turkey hearts to the tune of ‘Silent Night’ and you refuse, well, how could you call yourself a human being?”

Most experts agree, however, that with relentless rehabilitation efforts the Seagal should be restored to a state close to its former glory. “He just needs to go out and arrest a few veterans, you know, smack em’ around a little” says a former Seagal Gallery employee, referring to the show “Steven Seagal: Lawman.” “I’ll bet he’ll be as beautiful as ever.”

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  1. Estelle Irl on September 26, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    A tad misogynist maybe?

  2. Henry Rickbeil on December 9, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    dear god, this is pure brilliance.

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