TRI Unveils the Genealogy of Trying

July 1, 2010
By

INDONESIA, 20 BILLION B.C.–

E. Melspokanicus was transparent and a little slimy, like most bacteria.  Also like most bacteria, he didn’t feel incredibly sexy.  He had spent most of his life wafting along, flipping people off with his wriggling flagellae.  On this day, after hitching rides on intestinal amobae, he was puked onto an underwater lava spout with the last gasping breath of a Neolithic catfish.

As he plunged deeper into those infernal depths a new and strange determination forged in him.  By the time he had landed on a bacteria colony at the heart of the semi-permeable rock, he was a changed man.  The steel of his resolve was almost palpable, and was singularly unheard of for such an amorphous and unicellular organism.

He was going to fuck tonight.

This, my friends, really was unprecedented.  Up until that moment, bacteria had multiplied like any civilized and rational being should.  In a colony there were, of course, many necessarily circular systems and duplicative processes.  First it had to be determined that increases in population would help precipitate growth in common labor and productivity statistics.  Then, it had to be shown in front of subcommittee that these statistics would be politically viable; that they would generate votes.  After the literal genetic lottery, and if both participants voted along party lines, they could submit an application in the mail for joint sponsorship and would receive an offspring in 1-5 weeks.  It is important not to view these bacteria as being cold and emotionless, rather, they valued group decisions and securing a loyal bacterial political base more than sexiness.

Being uninitiated to public life, all of this was wholly alien to Melspokane.  Furthermore, he did not even know exactly what he wanted to do, only that he wanted to do it very badly.  As he approached the inner part of the colony, he passed by the milieu and performed the perfunctory greetings.  He did this, except that when he spotted a female close to his race, instead of raising the tentacle up, in a common greeting of the time, he slipped his one large flagella right into her asshole.  There were undulations of shock and awe in the crowd.

Melspokane, sensing that the moment was ripe, mounted.  In a beautiful display of what was to become fucking, he slithered creepily around behind her and then vomited his DNA.  Sadly, she died.  The damage was done, however.  Once you show bacteria how to fuck, it’s totally go time.

The resulting upsurge in bacterial populations, and the progression into more and more complicated organisms is now the stuff of history.  Melspokane can rightly be described as the father of modern creation, having thought of, and executed conception in nano time.  Instead of just thinking about fucking, he made the evolutionary leap and actually did it.

–The Genealogy of Effort project is funded by the Trian Institute of Almosdun, New Mexico and the Frederick Leggity Foundation.  These initial findings are part of a broader initiative by the TRI research team and its sponsors to map out the Effort Genome.  The Genealogy’s overall aim is to give weight and historical bearing to the societal standard of effort by which we judge ourselves.  Currently, the team is working on classifying the first animal to seek out land, and we look forward to further developments in the relatively virgin territory of Effort.

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  1. Louise Grmatyl on September 17, 2010 at 6:53 am

    Interesting take on this… this ‘Effort Genome’ project. What is the science behind this, the SCIENCE must always come first. I think with a decent research grant this could possibly turn into something more than just fornicating protozoa.

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