BREAKING: Castlevania Buzzsaw Will Seek Attorney General Seat in 2012

August 25, 2010
By

Mr. Buzzsaw is Tough but Fair
FAIRFAX, VA–

Transcript of remarks made by Castlevania Buzzsaw at Grand Opening of Mega Home Depot

MR. BUZZSAW: Thank you. Thank you, please, please sit. I first would like to thank Mayor Robert Lederer for inviting me to speak tonight. Bob? Where’s Bob? There he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Mayor Lederer!

*APPLAUSE*

We’re here tonight to honor the tapping of an economic wellspring for Fairfax, for the Commonwealth of Virginia, and for the United States of America. There’s a reason that I’m stocked exclusively in Home Depot folks and it’s not because I had that cameo in Fargo.

*LAUGHTER*

No, it’s because they embody what I believe to be the most salient aspect of the American character: honesty. These boys will set you up with a flashlight or some drywall or what have you, and all you have to do is ask. No sales pitch, no guff, just a smile and some paint thinner.

But folks, in this Hot Pocket, Bluetoothed society that we live in, this sort of no-nonsense devotion to duty is beginning to erode. We see it in our failing schools, our underwater mortgages, and in the alluring but ultimately depraved deeds of a half-naked vigilante who claims to rid the world of vampires.

*BOOS*

This—this I cannot abide. That is why, I am announcing my candidacy for Attorney General for the Commonwealth of Virginia in 2012.

*THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE*

The pair in happier times
My decision is not something I have arrived at in haste. Deborah and I spoke about what it would mean for our family to embark on this campaign, and the deep honor it would be for me to serve, and frankly I believe this commitment has been a long time coming.

A few of you might doubt my commitment to service. You say “oh he’s inexperienced” or “he’s too pointy.” Baloney. I sure as hell wasn’t too “pointy” for Uncle Sam in Panama twelve years ago.

*APPLAUSE*

Do you know how much we spend on death row inmates in a single year? Thirty million dollars. Thirty million dollars, Virginia. For what? I don’t see stray puppies getting cable TV and US Weekly before they get put down. Why do the murderers and rapists get to keep up with the Kardashians?

*LAUGHTER*

No folks, we need a better way. A simpler way. An honest way. As attorney general I pledge that every single capital conviction will have his sentence carried out swiftly by my own hand, at no cost to taxpayers.

*APPLAUSE*

I may be tough, but ladies and gentlemen I am fair.

There will be those who will try to tell you that I am old fashioned. That I resemble a metallurgical toilet paper roll. That my approach to justice is framed solely by my ability to cut bone and flesh whilst I steadily glide heavenward like a redeemed soul, noisily reaping death’s righteous prize.

Nonsense. If Mr. Castlevania–excuse me, Simon Belmont, wants to challenge me to a debate on the merits, if he wants to talk about equal protection under the law and reforming our business code to promote job creation, then I say lets talk.

But if Mr. Belmont wants to justify his murder of countless skeletons, fire throwing skeletons, bats, werewolves, and stone-people  who are all otherwise tax-paying citizens, with more nonsensical “vampire” filth, I say let his body be the first to be vivisected!

*APPLAUSE*

I thank you for your time, and I urge you to remember the children in November. God bless you Fairfax, and God bless America!

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  1. Reginald Hemerly on November 5, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    As a renowned blue dog, I heartily support Mr. Buzzsaw.

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