Gulf Coast Animals Fail to Disclose Oil Revenue

August 31, 2010
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Deepwater Horizon disaster site on 5/17/10 (Photo: AP)

WASHINGTON–Federal prosecutors have opened an investigation on all fauna residing in and around the Gulf Coast for illegal enrichment and failure to report oil revenues generated from the Deepwater Horizon spill.

In a joint press conference with the head of the Internal Revenue Service held earlier today in Washington, Attorney General Eric Holder vowed to “bring to justice every single animal that violated the trust of the American people, from the flashy blue whale to the flagrant plankton.”

Investigators initially honed in on possible malfeasance by the Gulf animals after most of the 500 million migratory birds that travel over the region in the spring commisioned Frank Ghery to build them several thousand homes outside of Cartagena, Columbia. Irregularities in the animals’ subsequent tax returns moved the investigation forward.

[Below is an example of what the IRS deem a ‘suspicious’ claim of supplemental income, filed by an animal residing in the gulf]

From Shreveport to Cannes, the newly wealthy Gulf animals have choked the capacity of fine dining establishments, often eating a few pieces of their $90 ribeyes only to shove the plate aside, noisily gulping wine before insisting that it was “too warm” and refusing to pay the bill. “I had this one horseshoe crab who told me that I would never amount to anything because I was slow and poor,” said one Pensacola maitr’d, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation. “My son was at work with me that day,” he added.

“Regardless of whether or not it stimulates the economy, reckless luxury spending by Gulf animals represents the final degradation of mother nature by mankind, not to mention that they’re all total fucking jerks” said Dr. Stephen Truett, a bioethicist at Rice University. “Forget the hydrocarbons that are clogging the marshes: pelican-beak cocaine smuggling was bad before, but now they’re just buying jets and laughing at us.”

Leading animal rights groups have so far defended the animals’ expenditures, saying that they are merely imitating their human betters. But all have stressed that the animals should immediately comply with any federal investigations and live less extravagantly.

Cecil Coleman, director of Fin Speak, a consortium of oceanic ethicists, said that the animals should “immediately return to living the modest, poor means by which they have lived for millions of years,” but acknowledges that the return to normalcy will be slow. “At least they could stop hanging out with James Gandolfini,” he added.

Fears that the animals will supplant humans economically have been followed by feelings of sexual inadequacy in the nation’s psyche, says Dr. Lewis Bamber, a clinical psychiatrist at Georgetown University. “People, especially those who lost their jobs and their income because of the oil spill, are now thinking ‘what’s next? My wife? What if that grey-cheeked thrush down the street can scratch itches that I can’t?'”

Jane Hamshire of Mobile, Alabama, who recently divorced her husband of 17 years and now dates a manta ray, disagrees that this theory has any real merit. “I love Julius because he’s sensitive and witty,” she said, slowly stroking a gasping manta ray. “But his abs don’t hurt either.” Nearby, a champagne fountain on the deck of the couple’s catamaran erupted to signal the beginning of the day’s bacchanal festivities.

Don Hampshire, Ms. Hamshire’s former husband whose shrimping business was shuttered because of the impact of the spill, now makes a living cleaning seagull feces out of Maseratis. “If these animals have done wrong then they need to pay,” he said, picking blue and black shit flecks out of his teeth. “One day I’m gonna buy my boat back from those fucking shrimp.”

Contacted for comment, the Gulf animals directed all inquiries to their spokesman, a large sea turtle, who released a statement shortly after the press conference in Washington. A portion of the statement is excerpted below:

We [the Gulf Animals] are shocked and sad that the humans would believe that we could buy them. Literally buy and sell them. Actually, does that fat one come in stripes? No, no… nevermind. But we can’t, cannot even buy that little juicy one with the crutches, and it’s all a lie [SQUAWK]

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  1. Larry Garcello on September 10, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Haha, holy crap, that picture of Gandolfini is amazing.

  2. Doris Romanelli on November 5, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    This is what annoys me about animals today, so damned smug and greedy. It’s like ‘Get in the cage already!’.

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