Synergystic Outperformance Goals Do Not Include Shit Napkins

August 31, 2010
By
Seriously?

Nice work Keith/Photo: TRI

KANSAS CITY–Believe it or not, the year 2009 was one of Two Rogers’ best in its one hundred and fifteen years of existence. We weathered an early volume tumble while maintaining a steady EPS, and the unexplained fire at the Lisbon plant was finally extinguished.

Our R&D department pivoted with the agility of a cat, tailoring their work under immense pressure, while our service professionals continued to act as the spine of Two Rogers, bolstering a quality assembly line that we already knew to be strong.

This company, this cat spine, has maintained its ethical composure as other firms raced to the bottom. Our shareholders are rejoicing and our competitors, retreating. Once our analysts discover how Mattel achieves such a low coefficient of friction in their Ribbon Dancers, Two Rogers will finally erase the specious stain of Sharp Marbles.

But something happened this morning that has made me forget most of what I just wrote down.

Someone wiped their shitty ass with a paper towel, threw it in the dry wastebasket, and didn’t even manage to stuff it down out of sight. In the wheelchair accessible bathroom for fucksake. Take a look.

First things first: no, I am not wheelchair bound, so the softball season is safe. I sent Keith into the bathroom to ensure that my time there would be spent in productive contemplation, and not mired in the din of nervous footsteps in the hallway or the clanging of wheelchair wheels on the carpet.

Secondly: that is definitely shit. At first I thought someone could be shining their shoes or fabricating a miniature version of the Japanese flag for their kid’s diorama or something, but Keith smelled it. It’s shit.

Now, I don’t have to tell you all that this is not Greece (especially you, Kosmakos). We work in a thriving metropolis, inside of a neoteric ziggurat made of glass. Shit napkins destroy this message of prosperity through modernity that we embody in each and every one of our products, from SysLink to Mamma’s Down-Home SqueezGirdle.

Keith offered that the napkin could be a call to service for our friends in Haiti, an emotional gesture of goodwill tempered with the force of unyielding resolve. I do not think this is the case.

This shit napkin is an affront to Two Rogers’ proud heritage and promising future, and I will not have this company hijacked by a few truants who need to waste company funds by using a higher grade of paper to satisfy their carnalities. I trust that I will not have to issue another warning on this subject.

Also, the bidet will be out of service until November.

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  1. Alec Kosmakos on September 11, 2010 at 5:43 am

    I think this is offensive to Greeks.

  2. Henrietta Stallworth on December 1, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    As an executive myself, I fully understand the difficulties of boosting morale while keeping employees in line. Best of luck TRI.

    -Henrietta

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