Privileged Dissent: What I Can’t Smell Can Hurt Me

August 25, 2010

Priviledged Dissent is a weekly column written by the founders of Two Rogers devoted to voicing the concerns of the working class people who employ working class people.

A few days ago, as I was returning from my bi-weekly Egyptian massage (it’s exactly like a normal massage but instead of hands they use tiny tongs to go in through your nose and rub all the stress out of your brain—fantastic) I decided to stroll to the office instead of using the underground tram. Along the way I came across a fellow on the street selling cherries.

Being a generous man, I feigned interest in his wares. “Oh, how shiny!” I said, generously. “How much are those scrumptious blood clots?”

“They’re cherries,” he replied. “And they’re $4 a pound.”

With that, he smiled and turned to a woman who was actually purchasing the ghastly things and raised his hairy arm over several other bystanders to collect payment. As he did this, the most offensive, malodorous vapor invaded my recently-scrubbed nostrils and if I hadn’t injected myself with invigorating dodo marrow that morning I surely would have fainted.

Later that night, I felt better after having him killed, but the yearning pangs of justice continued to race through my mind. Who was this wretch? What right did he have to violate me like this? What kind of preparatory academy would admit such a person?

I flung my 700 count sheets to the floor and paced the aviary with my leopard, Laja. I needed answers. And not the type of answers that you can get from fucking your declawed leopard in the privacy of your aviary. So I went out into the city to smell everything I could.

I smelled high and low, removing my Two Rogers glass noseplugs to taste reality as best I could. I ordered the driver to take me behind back alleys, along major thoroughfares, and into nooks and crannys that I haven’t smelled since I had to drive my maid to a “normal hospital” years ago (ED Note: I can’t believe how expensive those “normal hospitals” are!)

Have any of you smelled the world recently? God, it’s terrible. It smells like the space of air betwixt your private helicopter and the monorail platform. It smells like the inside of a kazoo. In short, it smells like socialism.

I know I’m not the first to point this out, but the world did NOT smell like this under President Bush. Since the Democrats hijacked power, our world has smelled less like opportunity and more like Castro’s jock strap. All of the things the Democrats campaigned under: dreams, hopes, wishes, all smell like shit. Don’t believe me? Walt Whitman was the smelliest man of the 19th century. Did you know the original title for “Leaves of Grass” was “Pull My Finger?” (ED Note: This is true)

Gentlemen, if we ever want to smell the US of yesteryear, full of economic promise and racial harmony, we must vote with our nostrils. We must venture out of the sultry confines of our climate-controlled aviaries, as hard as that may be, and confront the smelly demons that threaten the character of this great country. We cannot afford to hold our noses any longer.

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  1. money prize on September 4, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    I happen to stumbled this place and it is a properly written read, a little on the long end but more or less good one.

  2. Jackson Manfred on September 9, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    Oh my god the smell. It’s like no one has any decency, or money, anymore.

  3. Dallas Clayton Chesterton on September 15, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Fortunately, there has been some groundbreaking new work put out in the revolutionary field of “Social Darwinism.” Apparently, according to the “Robber Barons” (apparently some group of philanthropic bohemian scientists), the problems of poverty-generated stench and filth in the urban environment will eventually take care of themselves because of the inherent inferiority of those who produce the odors. I keep the treatise next to my copy of the Malleus Maleficarum. It will all work out in the end. Until then, keep the TRI glass nose plugs in and don’t be shy about kicking a bum or two when they ask for money…

  4. Yeffrey Smillof on October 2, 2010 at 1:33 am

    Oh Plebes! Nothing vexes me more. For people looking for elite and exclusive respite from the throbbing masses, look into the preserve I have created in Rhode Island, modeled after the castle of my ancestors.

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