Tokyo Stunned, TRI Ebullient, As Asian Merkin Futures Fall

August 10, 2010
By

What's left of Nippon Merkin/Photo: TRI

TOKYO– In pachinko parlors and nantaimori events across the country, the Japanese people are weighed down by collective melancholy.  Yes, it is their beloved merkin industry that is today’s casualty. While not completely eviscerated, the time-honored traditional manufacturing base was dealt a crippling blow after TRI Industries announced its new fall product line this afternoon. Sources close to Nippon Merkin’s Chūō headquarters note that employees were sent home today without their customary jellied fish capsule, the first time management has omitted the gesture since Nippon Merkin signed its collective bargaining agreement after The Great Undoing of 1432.

These unyielding waves of shame are the direct result of TRI Research Institute’s creation of the world’s first detachable puppy merkin.  Puppy Merkins ® are part of a sensible product line designed to add a mature and debonnaire aspect to refined young dogs and cats alike. This innocent means of enhancement was created not for merely domesticated, but sophisticated animals that exude modesty and decorum, and are by no means slutty. Critics have charged that this marks the zenith of the hypersexualization and personification of a traditionally chaste class of animals, but initial research has suggested that most humans will stop short of copulating with simulated human genitalia attached to almost every breed. (Studies conducted in conjunction with the Food and Drug Administration on poodles, pugs, labradoodles and all pets originating at shelters will be released in 2014.)

Model #75423-2543985

Puppy Merkins’® nascent success has piggybacked on the current trends of the American movie industry and ultimately spells doom for the Japanese. While pet owners desiring a more cultivated experience at the cinema previously had to make do with grainy shots of poorly made merkins, the FCC has drastically relaxed its pet nudity standards in the past decade. “Nowadays I can shoot the bush and even a little bit of ball, as long as it is not too extravagant or gaudy” notes award-winning director Simon Bilfito on the set of his latest FOX Searchlight feature film. “I mean, these merkins are only gonna move more tickets and they’re affordable enough for people to pick them up on the way home.” Mr. Bilfito said that while it is unfortunate that 14% of Japan’s GDP would now have to be reshuffled, “it’s what America needs right now in this crappy economy. American people making a truly American product.”

Model #83458-5343439

Speaking from Headquarters in Kansas City, TRI’s deputy press secretary Phil Mencken was optimistic at the company’s prospects to hedge the merkin industry: “The ink’s barely dry on the press release and we’ve already fielded calls for bulk orders. I am also personally in contact with Air Bud’s agent who has assured us that as soon as his client is released from prison, we may begin endorsement discussions.”

Model #92362-0789500

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  1. DieRobotsDie on September 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    I’m glad someone is finally making an American product I can get behind. This’ll be as big as corn sugar!

  2. James Orry on September 26, 2010 at 1:59 am

    I want a Puppy Merkin! How do I get one in Red, White and Blue for the Fourth?

  3. Johnny Nguyen on September 30, 2010 at 3:15 am

    This article is bullshit, and fails to take into account other qualitative aspects of Japanese merkins. There’s a reason they did not make a foray into ‘Puppy Merkins’ and that’s the traditional, hand crafted, qualtiy human merkins that they have been creating with love and care since Nobunaga pretty much unified the country using western technologies in the 1500s.

  4. Tyr Odinsson on October 5, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    What a ridiculous comment! Everyone knows that merkins were invented by the vikings to enhance their pelts in that area. Like always, Scandinavian technology predates and excels that of the Japanese. It’s amazing they produce anything at all! Good job TRI.

  5. Ron Tedwater on November 12, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    What we have to remember is never to pity the Japanese. Theirs is a culture built on assimilation and honoring excellence. If their merkin sales are down, I am sure they recognize they face a superior product, and wouldn’t want it any other way.

  6. Andrew Pelt on November 14, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Congratulations TRI, way to give it to ’em!

  7. charlie sheen on December 6, 2010 at 5:33 am

    Oh man, this is awesome. There’s nothing I hate worse than an immodest pet. Maybe we can work out some kind of endorsement tradeoff, TRI. Say, for a shipment of 10,000 of these things? No, who knows what I’ll use them for, but it seems like a sound investment.

  8. športne stave on December 15, 2010 at 6:18 am

    Fu$k Ancient Egypt. And Fu$k nobility! (And Tokyo too).

  9. maria andros on December 15, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Oh my god, I am dying. You need to shout this article at the masses.

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