Two Rogers’ Smartphone App Sorts Celebrity Genitals from Normal Genitals

October 22, 2010

This is the future

Determining whether or not the picture of exposed genitalia on your phone belongs to a celebrity or a loved one has never been easier, thanks to Genitalyzer, a new mobile application developed by Two Rogers, Inc.

Using the latest in biometric technology, Genitalyzer intercepts SMS images of male or female genitals and scrutinizes individual cells to establish either celebrity or “normal” pedigree.

Beta testers especially appreciated the range of options provided to them after Genitalyzer determined a positive celebrity match. Users may “Ignore,” “Contact an Attorney/Agent,” or “Forward to US Weekly,” all of which restore the balance of power to the receiver, who for the most part had just been doing some laundry or eating Bugles and did not need to know whether John Stamos still possesses foreskin.

“With celebrities sending pictures of their engorged sexual organs to just anyone they feel they already possess, we need a way to tell if the photo is of that guy they made out with at ¬†Murphy’s Pub last week or of Kanye West after a few glasses of chardonnay at the Four Seasons Denver,” says Dr. Alexandre Fristot, TRI’s head of smartphone development.

“This app has such a low FAR (ED: false accept rate) that it truly allows the user to make an informed decision, which isn’t always easy when you’re staring down the barrel of a untamed, pixelated bush.”

While Genitalyzer is 96.7% effective, Dr. Fristot cautions that the interface becomes virtually useless when used in combination with a Hello Kitty jazzle case.

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