US, Two Rogers, Apologize to Guatemala for Releasing Gary

October 1, 2010

A portrait of Gary, by Vilma Isabel, circa 1947

WASHINGTON–State Department officials, in tandem with Two Rogers, Inc., formally apologized to the citizens of Guatemala for releasing a Two Rogers test subject, Gary, into their general population in 1946.

“Had we known that Gary’s irresistible good looks and worldly charm would combine with his advanced cases of syphilis and gonorrhea to infect thousands of Guatemalans, we would have never sent him there with a motorcycle, a pan flute, and $6,000 cash” the joint statement read.

“And using him to simultaneously test our most potent cologne derived from the asps that killed Cleopatra? It just doesn’t pass current scientific muster. We’re really, very, sorry. For serial [sic].”

While spokesmen for the government and Two Rogers declined to say how Gary was able to infect so many people, young and old, across the Guatemalan countryside, experts point to clues found in the diaries of his victims.

“Gary didn’t just swoop into the center of small villages with a cap pulled low over his glossy black mane, engine rumbling between his firm, nimble thighs–of course he did,” said Dr. Richard Covington, a Latin American historian at Yale University.

“But if you look closely at the primary resources, he appeared to truly care about every family that took him in on his journey across the country. At first sleeping on their dirt floor, he would win their trust by doing common chores and telling tales of gleaming American cities that he had left behind forever. By the time he showed the fatherless children his famous shadowpuppet routine, it was usually too late for their mother.”

Dr. Covington also stressed that Gary’s exploits were not confined to the female sex. In fact, almost half of Gary’s victims were male.

“Usually he met them in the fields, doing extra farm work to earn his place amongst the townspeople,” said Dr. Covington. “Men saw him cut down prodigious amounts of sugar cane with a boyish laugh, and with those trusting, coffee-colored eyes, they figured what their wives didn’t know couldn’t hurt them.”

To compensate for Gary’s seemingly endless path of destruction, Two Rogers has offered all descendants of Gary’s victims a custom-made, floating beer cooler. Perfect for a backyard BBQ by the pool or as a gift for that special someone who seems to have everything.

“We truly have learned our lesson,” the joint statement concludes, “Never again will Henry Ford or his progeny underwrite such a large research grant.”

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  2. Mahalia Briola on November 24, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    I remember the days my Nanna would bring us in from the fields to talk about the strange olive-skinned man who visited her as a girl. He haunted her all of her days.

  3. Chester Buckley on December 2, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Ahahahahaha! This article is amazing, and says much about Guatemala-US relations.

  4. Lizzie Warne on December 9, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Oh my, this is offensive.

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