Intern Finds Magazine From 2029, TRI Panics

November 22, 2010
By

It was early Monday morning when TRI intern Jessie Iredale went to retrieve the latest issue of People from the copy room. Lifting up the cover of the copy machine and expecting to see Nick Lachey’s smiling face staring up at her, she suddenly became very still. Fighting the panic rising in her throat, she quickly dialed the number for the Rogers Department of Paranormal Affairs.

Tagesgeld Fulp, the man charged with running security for The Department, enjoyed a privileged, if somewhat ridiculed, position within the company. His job description was to ‘survey and protect the organization from threats of an other-worldly nature’, a vague and open-ended directive, as he preferred. The 6’5 Norwegian, who usually wore black jeans, black military boots and a shirt with ‘Don’t Ask Me 4 Shit’ printed on it, smiled when he picked up the item that had so frightened the unsuspecting intern. Incredibly, he found himself looking at a magazine dated 19 years in the future. He smiled, basking in the affirmation that his position (and ample salary) was warranted, and then turned away from the quivering girl and the crowd attending to her and began to inspect the magazine. Tagersgeld couldn’t argue with the date. There, at the top, it clearly read ‘February 4, 2029’. The cover also mentioned several celebrities by name, which fit with what little he knew about the substance of People magazine. The text and images seemed to imply that significant technological and cultural developments had occurred between the present and 2029. This, coincidentally, fit with Mr. Fulp’s own wildly optimistic views on likely technological progress within the next few decades. As for the physical substance of the magazine, it appeared to be printed on standard glossy paper, which, while nice, seemed slightly behind the times. Fulp surmised that it must be a collectors issue. Flipping through the pages, he found no evidence of malicious intent, unlike the haunted toilet paper incident from several years before. He then went over to inspect the copy machine.

The T-500,005 was the last model of the iconic ‘Titan’ series from the now-defunct company InkBlaster. The company had come under close scrutiny from the U.S. Government and had eventually been shut down amidst strange reports from ex-employees. He didn’t see any signs of tampering, and went to check the scan settings.

“Jessie, what did you put the ‘clarity’ settings on?”. It was a hunch that Targesgeld had, something gained from years in the field.
“Maximum”. He could hear groans from around the copy room. The people attending to her got up, throwing the damp towels disgustedly at her feet before leaving the room.
“Damnit intern, everyone knows you don’t put that copier at above 100% clarity. You tryin’ to bring God’s wrath down on us?”.
“It’s okay, Jeremiah,” Tagesgreld said, in a placating tone, “she couldn’t have known”.

As the shaken intern got up and went back to her desk, Tagresgrald was left with his thoughts in the copy room. He re-set the copier to its factory settings and put the magazine in the shredder. With 17 years experience on the job, he knew that there are some doors that you just don’t open. Still, forgetting what he saw would be no easy task. Tergesgald swore to himself that if Heath Ledger does decide to come back, he’d be ready.

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