New Charity “Freaks For Business” Shows Innovation and Poise

November 4, 2010
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The perfect way to spice up a down economy

Mother nature’s abominations and white collar business: never before have two worlds been so seamlessly enmeshed, thanks to Two Rogers’ newest non-profit, Freaks for Business.

Corporations are finding this new class of worker so productive that non-manual freak unemployment rates have plummeted, dropping 50% in the last 6 months alone. This sharp drop in supply, combined with a steady decline in circus labor since the Pachyderm Conjugal Act of 1978, has put the circus circuit in dire straits. These days, desperate managers vie for the services of subpar acts like Bad Acne Boy, the Slut Monster, and the nefarious Silly Man. While P.T. Barnum’s ilk will continue to try to woo freaks out of retirement and marital bliss, Two Rogers has all of the ‘freak’ a regular business will ever need.

Freaks for Business is based on a simple but altruistic belief: business savvy often comes in terrifyingly deformed packages. Take our poster boy, Quato (we never get tired of telling this story). When Quato came to us, he had achieved mild fame as a wrinkled, baby-like being who was fused to a grown man’s abdomen, as featured in the documentary Total Recall. What he wanted was respectable success and critical acclaim, not having to hide who he really was for half a movie only to then be almost assassinated! (French version only).

Quato would go on to receive the same tried and true service for integrating “persons of a freakish nature” into white collar society that customers have been relying on for weeks. Still not convinced? We have our entire process, glibly broken down into bullet points!

Processing – this initial stage can sometimes be trying, as the least business-appropriate aspects of the freak are mitigated. Claws are shaved, tentacles are restrained, ties are tightened, and they are given blood-free clothes.* Occasionally, freaks need additional counseling to cope with the stresses of their metamorphosis, which is why Freaks for Business provides each freak with a high quality VHS of a 1987 performance of Phantom of the Opera, as well as beatings.

Freak Cotillion – Two Rogers takes the time to teach them the extensions of traditional etiquette to the unique issues they face. Topics include “What to Do if Your OTHER Face is Hungry,” “Greet Him Gently,” and “Bring Extra Napkins.” We break them of their freakish habits of slurping spinal fluid and paying taxes. And after the freaks are taught to dance the box-step, they are given a certificate of achievement beaten.

Assimilation – is a full day’s work in a temp job working full speed. This is a difficult assignment, especially for grade 12 freaks, who we have pretty much beaten around the clock to a point that they’re pretty unrecognizable, even as freaks. But by focusing on teaching good eye contact and on firm handshakes, we have a 90% success rate for Assimilation.

Nice to Fuckin Meet You, My Leige

After completing the three steps, Quato successfully started a hedge fund, and the adult body he is fused onto is opening up an executive catering company. ¬†Freaks for Business is not just a sell-side boutique either, we take proceeds to reinvest in freak youths in the community, educate them on the perils of pachyderm fornication, and actively employ between 8-15 freaks at any one time. Like the pustules on a freak’s inner scrandix, the possibilities are endless. Take one look at the post modern perfection you can achieve by having Prince Randian sit in on a business meeting set around stylish Saturno office furniture. Extraordinary! Freaks around the world, dry your sadhole of its boric acid deposits and get your resume in order! You’ll never know when Freaks for Business will come calling.**

*not applicable to freaks who eat bloody clothing

**not applicable to freaks who know when we come calling

Perfection on a budget

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  1. Tagesgeld Zinsvergleich on November 23, 2010 at 8:31 am

    This sounds fantastic. Not only would I like to order 3, but I find this business model very enticing from a cost-savings standpoint. I am but a simple man of Dutch and German descent but helping people comes in my nature, as does a healthy respect for the secrets Mother Nature keeps close to her chest. Best of luck Rogers & Rogers.

  2. Cilais Kaufen on December 6, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Wow!! I would love to see some of these freaks in action. Do you have a database of where they work or something? Or do I need to track them down manually again?

  3. Jorgen Biemener on December 18, 2010 at 4:52 am

    Hallo zusammen,

    Haben diese Freaks mit einer gruppe diskontsatz kommen?

    That is to say, is there a group rate for das Freaks, TRI?

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