As Seen On TV

Who has time to drink protein shakes AND wine? Nobody! TRI’s Bicep Wine will give you the extra edge your muscles need while enjoying hints of berries, tobacco and persimmon. You’ll be squat-thrusting your way to Napa while your friends haggle their gym membership. [No tests have definitively proved incidents of unmitigated rage relating to Bicep Wine. Use as directed.]

Puppy Merkins ® are part of a sensible product line designed to add a mature and debonnaire aspect to refined young dogs and cats alike. This innocent means of enhancement was created not for merely domesticated, but sophisticated animals that exude modesty and decorum, and are by no means slutty. For the owner who kind of, but not really, wants to fuck his or her pet.

From the success of E-Cigarettes comes TRI’s E-Blow, the world’s first electronic cocaine delivery system. Despite making you temporarily invincible, cocaine is harmful and expensive. E-Blow provides the same relaxing, jaw-clenching sensation as actual cocaine, but without all the messy mirrors and desperate sex.

In today’s economy, you need investments you can trust. Arrowhead prices, surging from real estate booming on Indian burial grounds, have never been higher. TRI’s economists expect them to continue to rise, probably. What are you using your hair for anyway? Send in your gently used hair and in return receive priceless arrowheads, nature’s safest investment. Your children are counting on you.

Can’t sleep without a condom full of contraband in your rectum and an airport-purchased US Weekly by your side? Millions of former drug mules experience these classic symptoms of withdrawal, but you don’t have to go it alone anymore. MuLoft is a simple, once-daily suppository that helps ease cravings and pangs of regret. Live on the edge again, with MuLoft.

Who has time to learn a full language these days? In this age of sin, the only language you really need to know is the language of the streets, and how to score drugs in 46 major countries. This is where Poinsettia Pebble comes in, the focused language immersion program that will tell you whether that French whore is asking for uppers or downers and if that scorpion label means it’s ‘the good shit’.

Confused about what your credit score means? TRI’s intuitive symbols instantly convey your prospects to your potential lender and allow you to visualize your ability to leverage your earnings. Jerry, a level ‘Gun’ borrower was able to simply draw a picture of his credit score for the loan officer at his local bank and walk out with an instant loan. Louise, a mother of three, was not even able to secure a structured ‘Monkey’ loan before we drew her a few illustrations and performed an extemporaneous puppet show. Now, this mom is on easy street at ‘Brand Name Electronics’. Come see our credit consultants today.

Is your local water source less than drinkable these days? Did your kids recently get staph infections from playing in the sprinkler? Good thing OrangeFace ™, recently dubbed ‘too sweet for bacteria’ by independent environmental panelists, is coursing into a stream or metropolitan reservoir near you. You don’t even have to go to Sam’s Club anymore to give your kids’ faces that healthy orange glow! More docile fish? Check. Energized and refreshed youth? Check. It’s safe to swim and play again, thanks to TRI and the clean taste of OrangeFace ™.

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  1. Lupita Savay on November 5, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Glad I found this page. I am going to have to fight the urge to buy all of these. I’ve learned first hand how addictive late night advertising can be. Not going down that hole again.

  2. Tyson F. Gautreaux on November 14, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Haha, glad to see I don’t have to spend precious time and energy pooping anymore!

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