Author Archive

Two Rogers’ Smartphone App Sorts Celebrity Genitals from Normal Genitals

October 22, 2010
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Two Rogers’ Smartphone App Sorts Celebrity Genitals from Normal Genitals

Determining whether or not the picture of exposed genitalia on your phone belongs to a celebrity or a loved one has never been easier, thanks to Genitalyzer, a new mobile application developed by Two Rogers, Inc. Using the latest in biometric technology, Genitalyzer intercepts SMS images of male or female genitals and scrutinizes individual...
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US, Two Rogers, Apologize to Guatemala for Releasing Gary

October 1, 2010
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US, Two Rogers, Apologize to Guatemala for Releasing Gary

WASHINGTON–State Department officials, in tandem with Two Rogers, Inc., formally apologized to the citizens of Guatemala for releasing a Two Rogers test subject, Gary, into their general population in 1946. “Had we known that Gary’s irresistible good looks and worldly charm would combine with his advanced cases of syphilis and gonorrhea to infect thousands...
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Oscar Winning Phone from Fatal Attraction, Dead at 53

September 22, 2010
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Oscar Winning Phone from Fatal Attraction, Dead at 53

LOS ANGELES–TRI Rotary X7-442572, a phone famous for appearing in over 50 feature films and winning an Academy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in 1988 for his role in Fatal Attraction, died at his home in Santa Barbara on Tuesday. The cause was a stroke, his spouse, Sharon Miller, said. He...
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Mel Gibson’s New Fragrance Spurs 46% Increase in Restraining Orders

September 10, 2010
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Mel Gibson’s New Fragrance Spurs 46% Increase in Restraining Orders

LOS ANGELES–After being released for only two months by Two Rogers, Mel Gibson’s new fragrance, Provocative, has spurred a 46% increase of restraining orders pending across the nation. “It’s the darndest thing,” said Los Angeles County District Court judge Albert Hughley, “these gals will give themselves a spritz or two and then the fellas...
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Gulf Coast Animals Fail to Disclose Oil Revenue

August 31, 2010
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Gulf Coast Animals Fail to Disclose Oil Revenue

WASHINGTON–Federal prosecutors have opened an investigation on all fauna residing in and around the Gulf Coast for illegal enrichment and failure to report oil revenues generated from the Deepwater Horizon spill. In a joint press conference with the head of the Internal Revenue Service held earlier today in Washington, Attorney General Eric Holder vowed...
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Synergystic Outperformance Goals Do Not Include Shit Napkins

August 31, 2010
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Synergystic Outperformance Goals Do Not Include Shit Napkins

KANSAS CITY–Believe it or not, the year 2009 was one of Two Rogers’ best in its one hundred and fifteen years of existence. We weathered an early volume tumble while maintaining a steady EPS, and the unexplained fire at the Lisbon plant was finally extinguished. Our R&D department pivoted with the agility of a...
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Privileged Dissent: What I Can’t Smell Can Hurt Me

August 25, 2010
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Privileged Dissent: What I Can’t Smell Can Hurt Me

Priviledged Dissent is a weekly column written by the founders of Two Rogers devoted to voicing the concerns of the working class people who employ working class people. A few days ago, as I was returning from my bi-weekly Egyptian massage (it’s exactly like a normal massage but instead of hands they use tiny...
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BREAKING: Castlevania Buzzsaw Will Seek Attorney General Seat in 2012

August 25, 2010
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BREAKING: Castlevania Buzzsaw Will Seek Attorney General Seat in 2012

FAIRFAX, VA– Transcript of remarks made by Castlevania Buzzsaw at Grand Opening of Mega Home Depot MR. BUZZSAW: Thank you. Thank you, please, please sit. I first would like to thank Mayor Robert Lederer for inviting me to speak tonight. Bob? Where’s Bob? There he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Mayor Lederer! *APPLAUSE* We’re here...
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Apple Approves TRI’s Tire-Slashing App

July 7, 2010
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Apple Approves TRI’s Tire-Slashing App

CUPERTINO–Representatives from Apple said late Tuesday that it has approved an app developed by Two Rogers, Inc. that allows users to remotely deflate tires by violently impaling them. The app, called iGash, is expected to be available from Apple’s App Store on Friday, and has already prompted gushing reviews from industry insiders. “iGash is...
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Better Business Bureau: Pregnant Strippers Must Stop Advertising Lap Dances as “Two for Price of One”

June 23, 2010
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Better Business Bureau: Pregnant Strippers Must Stop Advertising Lap Dances as “Two for Price of One”

SIOUX FALLS–In a setback to TRI’s vast network of erotic discos, the BBB issued a press release warning strippers who are carrying child that they cannot promote their services under the guise of “two for the price of one” without running afoul of the Bureau’s regulations guiding fair business practices. The Bureau’s sternly worded...
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