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Intern Defiles Priceless Steven Seagal

May 14, 2010
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Intern Defiles Priceless Steven Seagal

JEFFERSON PARISH, LA–Curators around the world are lamenting the abasement of a priceless Steven Seagal at the hands of an inexperienced intern at his home on the outskirts of New Orleans. Upon learning that the intern, Kayden Nguyen, vitiated the work of art by neglecting its immediate carnal needs, authorities filed suit against Ms....
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REGGIE SPEAKS! TRI’s Exclusive Interview With LA’s Hottest Alligator

May 12, 2010
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REGGIE SPEAKS! TRI’s Exclusive Interview With LA’s Hottest Alligator

For 17 of his 20 years, Reggie the alligator lived on the lam in the country’s second-largest city. “I was constantly looking over my shoulder for a net that wasn’t there,” he says with a twinge of nostalgia, sipping on a glass of tomato juice at the Four Seasons in Los Angeles. “And as...
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Thursday Media Column: How To Be A Journalist For A Profit-Chugging Corporation

May 6, 2010
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Thursday Media Column: How To Be A Journalist For A Profit-Chugging Corporation

Ever since I was a young boy I wanted to write for the papers. My father would come home from work and sit in his favorite chair while my mother would get him his drink of choice (codeine–two cubes), and he would read every single word of the Kansas City Mid-Evening Bee Zephyr. Sometimes...
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JFK Warned of “Taco Shortage” Minutes Before Death

April 29, 2010
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JFK Warned of “Taco Shortage” Minutes Before Death

WASHINGTON–A top Pentagon official indicated that if TRI maybe wanted to look in Vault 4C at this building in Denver, they might find records that perhaps someone could use in concluding that JFK may or may not have been alerted of a domestic taco shortage, among other things, moments before his death at the...
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Driver’s Ed Helps Seniors Achieve Independence, Revenge

April 21, 2010
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Driver’s Ed Helps Seniors Achieve Independence, Revenge

ROANOKE, VA–Two Rogers, Inc. is proud to announce its Golden Wheels driving seminar for senior citizens. The course stresses safety, awareness, and the palpable satisfaction of vehicular reprisal for drivers who are 60 years old and above. “It can be tough if you’re a senior and you still want to maintain your independence,” says...
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Kurt Russell Airlines: “Fuck the Volcanic Ash, Welcome Aboard”

April 17, 2010
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Kurt Russell Airlines: “Fuck the Volcanic Ash, Welcome Aboard”

LONDON–Despite the closure of airspace over twenty European countries due to volcanic ash spreading over the continent, Kurt Russell Airlines (KRA) announced Sunday they will resume all scheduled flights immediately. Engineers have cautioned that aircraft operating in the ash-saturated skies will suffer irreparable engine damage and are potentially unsafe for passengers and crew, but...
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SEC to Goldman Sachs: Selling Lemonade is Illegal

April 16, 2010
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SEC to Goldman Sachs: Selling Lemonade is Illegal

NEW YORK–Attorneys for the Securities & Exchange Commission filed suit against Goldman Sachs & Co. today in federal court for selling lemonade. This would be the first time in United States history that a company has been prosecuted for refreshing a thirsty nation. “This reeks of faux-populist appeasement and we will fight these allegations...
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Calm Down Everybody, Picasso is Fine

April 8, 2010
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Calm Down Everybody, Picasso is Fine

This article originally appeared in TRI Weekly on April 8, 1973 MOUGINS, FRANCE–Listen, I understand that you’re all a little nervous. Who can blame you! Seeing a nonagenarian treasure like Mr. Picasso negotiate the terms of his licensing agreement alone on a yacht anchored off the coast of Monaco would trigger a primal, paternalistic...
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RogerBot Has Escaped; Dominates Women’s Basketball

April 6, 2010
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RogerBot Has Escaped; Dominates Women’s Basketball

WACO, TX–It appears that the whereabouts of TRI’s $30 million investment are now known. RogerBot has enrolled at Baylor University and is playing center for the women’s basketball team. While our scientists initially believed that its Compassion Processor was small enough to resist the temptation to discover life outside the post-apocalyptic hellscape it was...
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NY Times: Everyone’s Interns Are Illegal Except for TRI’s

April 5, 2010
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NY Times: Everyone’s Interns Are Illegal Except for TRI’s

NEW YORK–An article in the New York Times published on Thursday implicitly endorses the internship program at Two Rogers, Inc. by exposing the widespread failure of other companies to pay their interns in actual currency (“Growth of Unpaid Internships May Be Illegal, Officials Say“). TRI  was not contacted by the Times for comment, probably...
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