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March 5, 2012
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Intern Finds Magazine From 2029, TRI Panics

November 22, 2010
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Oh, I knew it!  Eddie Murphy's a damned cyborg.

It was early Monday morning when TRI intern Jessie Iredale went to retrieve the latest issue of People from the copy room. Lifting up the cover of the copy machine and expecting to see Nick Lachey’s smiling face staring up at her, she suddenly became very still. Fighting the panic rising in her throat,...
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Rare WWI Love Letter Found in TRI Executive’s Vault

November 11, 2010
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Most Beloved 3

During an uneventful police raid of 89 year-old TRI Board Member Ron Tedwater Jr.’s private holdings, a historical document surfaced. It turns out that Tedwater Senior’s private collection of art and historical works had been passed along to his son, rather than sold on the black market as was widely believed. What was found...
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New Charity “Freaks For Business” Shows Innovation and Poise

November 4, 2010
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The perfect way to spice up a down economy

Mother nature’s abominations and white collar business: never before have two worlds been so seamlessly enmeshed, thanks to Two Rogers’ newest non-profit, Freaks for Business. Corporations are finding this new class of worker so productive that non-manual freak unemployment rates have plummeted, dropping 50% in the last 6 months alone. This sharp drop in...
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Two Rogers’ Smartphone App Sorts Celebrity Genitals from Normal Genitals

October 22, 2010
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Two Rogers’ Smartphone App Sorts Celebrity Genitals from Normal Genitals

Determining whether or not the picture of exposed genitalia on your phone belongs to a celebrity or a loved one has never been easier, thanks to Genitalyzer, a new mobile application developed by Two Rogers, Inc. Using the latest in biometric technology, Genitalyzer intercepts SMS images of male or female genitals and scrutinizes individual...
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US, Two Rogers, Apologize to Guatemala for Releasing Gary

October 1, 2010
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US, Two Rogers, Apologize to Guatemala for Releasing Gary

WASHINGTON–State Department officials, in tandem with Two Rogers, Inc., formally apologized to the citizens of Guatemala for releasing a Two Rogers test subject, Gary, into their general population in 1946. “Had we known that Gary’s irresistible good looks and worldly charm would combine with his advanced cases of syphilis and gonorrhea to infect thousands...
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Oscar Winning Phone from Fatal Attraction, Dead at 53

September 22, 2010
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Oscar Winning Phone from Fatal Attraction, Dead at 53

LOS ANGELES–TRI Rotary X7-442572, a phone famous for appearing in over 50 feature films and winning an Academy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in 1988 for his role in Fatal Attraction, died at his home in Santa Barbara on Tuesday. The cause was a stroke, his spouse, Sharon Miller, said. He...
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Mel Gibson’s New Fragrance Spurs 46% Increase in Restraining Orders

September 10, 2010
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Mel Gibson’s New Fragrance Spurs 46% Increase in Restraining Orders

LOS ANGELES–After being released for only two months by Two Rogers, Mel Gibson’s new fragrance, Provocative, has spurred a 46% increase of restraining orders pending across the nation. “It’s the darndest thing,” said Los Angeles County District Court judge Albert Hughley, “these gals will give themselves a spritz or two and then the fellas...
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‘Tragedy’ Now ‘Tastee’, Thanks to TRI Employee of the Month

September 2, 2010
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‘Tragedy’ Now ‘Tastee’, Thanks to TRI Employee of the Month

TRI MIGHTY MISSOURI SLURRY DEPOSITORY-Every month Two Rogers recognizes an employee who goes above and beyond the call of duty; who embodies the spirit of value and dependability, and who is male. This month of August 2010, that employee is Rico Talentino, Director of TRI’s Mighty Missouri Slurry Depository. Rico turned what could have...
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Gulf Coast Animals Fail to Disclose Oil Revenue

August 31, 2010
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Gulf Coast Animals Fail to Disclose Oil Revenue

WASHINGTON–Federal prosecutors have opened an investigation on all fauna residing in and around the Gulf Coast for illegal enrichment and failure to report oil revenues generated from the Deepwater Horizon spill. In a joint press conference with the head of the Internal Revenue Service held earlier today in Washington, Attorney General Eric Holder vowed...
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