Uncategorized

Synergystic Outperformance Goals Do Not Include Shit Napkins

August 31, 2010
By
Synergystic Outperformance Goals Do Not Include Shit Napkins

KANSAS CITY–Believe it or not, the year 2009 was one of Two Rogers’ best in its one hundred and fifteen years of existence. We weathered an early volume tumble while maintaining a steady EPS, and the unexplained fire at the Lisbon plant was finally extinguished. Our R&D department pivoted with the agility of a...
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Privileged Dissent: What I Can’t Smell Can Hurt Me

August 25, 2010
By
Privileged Dissent: What I Can’t Smell Can Hurt Me

Priviledged Dissent is a weekly column written by the founders of Two Rogers devoted to voicing the concerns of the working class people who employ working class people. A few days ago, as I was returning from my bi-weekly Egyptian massage (it’s exactly like a normal massage but instead of hands they use tiny...
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

BREAKING: Castlevania Buzzsaw Will Seek Attorney General Seat in 2012

August 25, 2010
By
BREAKING: Castlevania Buzzsaw Will Seek Attorney General Seat in 2012

FAIRFAX, VA– Transcript of remarks made by Castlevania Buzzsaw at Grand Opening of Mega Home Depot MR. BUZZSAW: Thank you. Thank you, please, please sit. I first would like to thank Mayor Robert Lederer for inviting me to speak tonight. Bob? Where’s Bob? There he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Mayor Lederer! *APPLAUSE* We’re here...
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Tokyo Stunned, TRI Ebullient, As Asian Merkin Futures Fall

August 10, 2010
By
Tokyo Stunned, TRI Ebullient, As Asian Merkin Futures Fall

TOKYO– In pachinko parlors and nantaimori events across the country, the Japanese people are weighed down by collective melancholy.  Yes, it is their beloved merkin industry that is today’s casualty. While not completely eviscerated, the time-honored traditional manufacturing base was dealt a crippling blow after TRI Industries announced its new fall product line this...
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

Apple Approves TRI’s Tire-Slashing App

July 7, 2010
By
Apple Approves TRI’s Tire-Slashing App

CUPERTINO–Representatives from Apple said late Tuesday that it has approved an app developed by Two Rogers, Inc. that allows users to remotely deflate tires by violently impaling them. The app, called iGash, is expected to be available from Apple’s App Store on Friday, and has already prompted gushing reviews from industry insiders. “iGash is...
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

TRI Unveils the Genealogy of Trying

July 1, 2010
By
TRI Unveils the Genealogy of Trying

INDONESIA, 20 BILLION B.C.– E. Melspokanicus was transparent and a little slimy, like most bacteria.  Also like most bacteria, he didn’t feel incredibly sexy.  He had spent most of his life wafting along, flipping people off with his wriggling flagellae.  On this day, after hitching rides on intestinal amobae, he was puked onto an...
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Better Business Bureau: Pregnant Strippers Must Stop Advertising Lap Dances as “Two for Price of One”

June 23, 2010
By
Better Business Bureau: Pregnant Strippers Must Stop Advertising Lap Dances as “Two for Price of One”

SIOUX FALLS–In a setback to TRI’s vast network of erotic discos, the BBB issued a press release warning strippers who are carrying child that they cannot promote their services under the guise of “two for the price of one” without running afoul of the Bureau’s regulations guiding fair business practices. The Bureau’s sternly worded...
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Intern Defiles Priceless Steven Seagal

May 14, 2010
By
Intern Defiles Priceless Steven Seagal

JEFFERSON PARISH, LA–Curators around the world are lamenting the abasement of a priceless Steven Seagal at the hands of an inexperienced intern at his home on the outskirts of New Orleans. Upon learning that the intern, Kayden Nguyen, vitiated the work of art by neglecting its immediate carnal needs, authorities filed suit against Ms....
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

REGGIE SPEAKS! TRI’s Exclusive Interview With LA’s Hottest Alligator

May 12, 2010
By
REGGIE SPEAKS! TRI’s Exclusive Interview With LA’s Hottest Alligator

For 17 of his 20 years, Reggie the alligator lived on the lam in the country’s second-largest city. “I was constantly looking over my shoulder for a net that wasn’t there,” he says with a twinge of nostalgia, sipping on a glass of tomato juice at the Four Seasons in Los Angeles. “And as...
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments »

Thursday Media Column: How To Be A Journalist For A Profit-Chugging Corporation

May 6, 2010
By
Thursday Media Column: How To Be A Journalist For A Profit-Chugging Corporation

Ever since I was a young boy I wanted to write for the papers. My father would come home from work and sit in his favorite chair while my mother would get him his drink of choice (codeine–two cubes), and he would read every single word of the Kansas City Mid-Evening Bee Zephyr. Sometimes...
Read more »

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments »