Tagesgeld Fulp, the man charged with running security for The Department, enjoyed a privileged, if somewhat ridiculed, position within the company. His job description was to ‘survey and protect the organization from threats of an other-worldly nature’, a vague and open-ended directive, as he preferred. The 6’5 Norwegian, who usually wore black jeans, black military boots and a shirt with ‘Don’t Ask Me 4 Shit’ printed on it, smiled when he picked up the item that had so frightened the unsuspecting intern. Incredibly, he found himself looking at a magazine dated 19 years in the future. He smiled, basking in the affirmation that his position (and ample salary) was warranted, and then turned away from the quivering girl and the crowd attending to her and began to inspect the magazine. Tagersgeld couldn’t argue with the date. There, at the top, it clearly read ‘February 4, 2029′. The cover also mentioned several celebrities by name, which fit with what little he knew about the substance of People magazine. The text and images seemed to imply that significant technological and cultural developments had occurred between the present and 2029. This, coincidentally, fit with Mr. Fulp’s own wildly optimistic views on likely technological progress within the next few decades. As for the physical substance of the magazine, it appeared to be printed on standard glossy paper, which, while nice, seemed slightly behind the times. Fulp surmised that it must be a collectors issue. Flipping through the pages, he found no evidence of malicious intent, unlike the haunted toilet paper incident from several years before. He then went over to inspect the copy machine.

The T-500,005 was the last model of the iconic ‘Titan’ series from the now-defunct company InkBlaster. The company had come under close scrutiny from the U.S. Government and had eventually been shut down amidst strange reports from ex-employees. He didn’t see any signs of tampering, and went to check the scan settings.

“Jessie, what did you put the ‘clarity’ settings on?”. It was a hunch that Targesgeld had, something gained from years in the field.
“Maximum”. He could hear groans from around the copy room. The people attending to her got up, throwing the damp towels disgustedly at her feet before leaving the room.
“Damnit intern, everyone knows you don’t put that copier at above 100% clarity. You tryin’ to bring God’s wrath down on us?”.
“It’s okay, Jeremiah,” Tagesgreld said, in a placating tone, “she couldn’t have known”.

As the shaken intern got up and went back to her desk, Tagresgrald was left with his thoughts in the copy room. He re-set the copier to its factory settings and put the magazine in the shredder. With 17 years experience on the job, he knew that there are some doors that you just don’t open. Still, forgetting what he saw would be no easy task. Tergesgald swore to himself that if Heath Ledger does decide to come back, he’d be ready.

The letter has sent ripples across the historical community. Because of the increased cost of postage during the War and the high incidence of homosexuality among WWI enlisted men, relatively few love letters made it back home. In addition to being one of the few surviving letters from that period, it also gives unprecedented insight into the character of this iconic early 20th c. tycoon. What is even more shocking, however, are the implications it may have for how the light switch actually made its way across the Atlantic.

The perfect way to spice up a down economy

Mother nature’s abominations and white collar business: never before have two worlds been so seamlessly enmeshed, thanks to Two Rogers’ newest non-profit, Freaks for Business.

Corporations are finding this new class of worker so productive that non-manual freak unemployment rates have plummeted, dropping 50% in the last 6 months alone. This sharp drop in supply, combined with a steady decline in circus labor since the Pachyderm Conjugal Act of 1978, has put the circus circuit in dire straits. These days, desperate managers vie for the services of subpar acts like Bad Acne Boy, the Slut Monster, and the nefarious Silly Man. While P.T. Barnum’s ilk will continue to try to woo freaks out of retirement and marital bliss, Two Rogers has all of the ‘freak’ a regular business will ever need.

Freaks for Business is based on a simple but altruistic belief: business savvy often comes in terrifyingly deformed packages. Take our poster boy, Quato (we never get tired of telling this story). When Quato came to us, he had achieved mild fame as a wrinkled, baby-like being who was fused to a grown man’s abdomen, as featured in the documentary Total Recall. What he wanted was respectable success and critical acclaim, not having to hide who he really was for half a movie only to then be almost assassinated! (French version only).

Quato would go on to receive the same tried and true service for integrating “persons of a freakish nature” into white collar society that customers have been relying on for weeks. Still not convinced? We have our entire process, glibly broken down into bullet points!

Processing – this initial stage can sometimes be trying, as the least business-appropriate aspects of the freak are mitigated. Claws are shaved, tentacles are restrained, ties are tightened, and they are given blood-free clothes.* Occasionally, freaks need additional counseling to cope with the stresses of their metamorphosis, which is why Freaks for Business provides each freak with a high quality VHS of a 1987 performance of Phantom of the Opera, as well as beatings.

Freak Cotillion – Two Rogers takes the time to teach them the extensions of traditional etiquette to the unique issues they face. Topics include “What to Do if Your OTHER Face is Hungry,” “Greet Him Gently,” and “Bring Extra Napkins.” We break them of their freakish habits of slurping spinal fluid and paying taxes. And after the freaks are taught to dance the box-step, they are given a certificate of achievement beaten.

Assimilation – is a full day’s work in a temp job working full speed. This is a difficult assignment, especially for grade 12 freaks, who we have pretty much beaten around the clock to a point that they’re pretty unrecognizable, even as freaks. But by focusing on teaching good eye contact and on firm handshakes, we have a 90% success rate for Assimilation.

Nice to Fuckin Meet You, My Leige

After completing the three steps, Quato successfully started a hedge fund, and the adult body he is fused onto is opening up an executive catering company.  Freaks for Business is not just a sell-side boutique either, we take proceeds to reinvest in freak youths in the community, educate them on the perils of pachyderm fornication, and actively employ between 8-15 freaks at any one time. Like the pustules on a freak’s inner scrandix, the possibilities are endless. Take one look at the post modern perfection you can achieve by having Prince Randian sit in on a business meeting set around stylish Saturno office furniture. Extraordinary! Freaks around the world, dry your sadhole of its boric acid deposits and get your resume in order! You’ll never know when Freaks for Business will come calling.**

*not applicable to freaks who eat bloody clothing

**not applicable to freaks who know when we come calling

Perfection on a budget

This is the future

Determining whether or not the picture of exposed genitalia on your phone belongs to a celebrity or a loved one has never been easier, thanks to Genitalyzer, a new mobile application developed by Two Rogers, Inc.

Using the latest in biometric technology, Genitalyzer intercepts SMS images of male or female genitals and scrutinizes individual cells to establish either celebrity or “normal” pedigree.

Beta testers especially appreciated the range of options provided to them after Genitalyzer determined a positive celebrity match. Users may “Ignore,” “Contact an Attorney/Agent,” or “Forward to US Weekly,” all of which restore the balance of power to the receiver, who for the most part had just been doing some laundry or eating Bugles and did not need to know whether John Stamos still possesses foreskin.

“With celebrities sending pictures of their engorged sexual organs to just anyone they feel they already possess, we need a way to tell if the photo is of that guy they made out with at  Murphy’s Pub last week or of Kanye West after a few glasses of chardonnay at the Four Seasons Denver,” says Dr. Alexandre Fristot, TRI’s head of smartphone development.

“This app has such a low FAR (ED: false accept rate) that it truly allows the user to make an informed decision, which isn’t always easy when you’re staring down the barrel of a untamed, pixelated bush.”

While Genitalyzer is 96.7% effective, Dr. Fristot cautions that the interface becomes virtually useless when used in combination with a Hello Kitty jazzle case.

A portrait of Gary, by Vilma Isabel, circa 1947

WASHINGTON–State Department officials, in tandem with Two Rogers, Inc., formally apologized to the citizens of Guatemala for releasing a Two Rogers test subject, Gary, into their general population in 1946.

“Had we known that Gary’s irresistible good looks and worldly charm would combine with his advanced cases of syphilis and gonorrhea to infect thousands of Guatemalans, we would have never sent him there with a motorcycle, a pan flute, and $6,000 cash” the joint statement read.

“And using him to simultaneously test our most potent cologne derived from the asps that killed Cleopatra? It just doesn’t pass current scientific muster. We’re really, very, sorry. For serial [sic].”

While spokesmen for the government and Two Rogers declined to say how Gary was able to infect so many people, young and old, across the Guatemalan countryside, experts point to clues found in the diaries of his victims.

“Gary didn’t just swoop into the center of small villages with a cap pulled low over his glossy black mane, engine rumbling between his firm, nimble thighs–of course he did,” said Dr. Richard Covington, a Latin American historian at Yale University.

“But if you look closely at the primary resources, he appeared to truly care about every family that took him in on his journey across the country. At first sleeping on their dirt floor, he would win their trust by doing common chores and telling tales of gleaming American cities that he had left behind forever. By the time he showed the fatherless children his famous shadowpuppet routine, it was usually too late for their mother.”

Dr. Covington also stressed that Gary’s exploits were not confined to the female sex. In fact, almost half of Gary’s victims were male.

“Usually he met them in the fields, doing extra farm work to earn his place amongst the townspeople,” said Dr. Covington. “Men saw him cut down prodigious amounts of sugar cane with a boyish laugh, and with those trusting, coffee-colored eyes, they figured what their wives didn’t know couldn’t hurt them.”

To compensate for Gary’s seemingly endless path of destruction, Two Rogers has offered all descendants of Gary’s victims a custom-made, floating beer cooler. Perfect for a backyard BBQ by the pool or as a gift for that special someone who seems to have everything.

“We truly have learned our lesson,” the joint statement concludes, “Never again will Henry Ford or his progeny underwrite such a large research grant.”

The cause was a stroke, his spouse, Sharon Miller, said.

He is survived by his three children, Vivian, Brandon, and Susie.

X-2, as he liked to be called, started out as a simple rotary phone in a family home in Hartford, Connecticut, after being manufactured by Two Rogers and sold at a Montgomery Ward.

“I had no idea that I could live any other life besides making a few calls to the Hendersons, or whoever my family wanted to call. And I could have been perfectly happy doing that the rest of my life,” he said in an interview with the Village Voice in 2007.

After dialing the wrong number of a casting director in Hollywood, X-2 got his break in a small role as a phone in the 1967 classic Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

“I was just 10, so I wasn’t intimidated by Sidney [Poitier] or the gravity of the movie itself, I was just excited to be acting.”

That role led to a chance meeting with Dennis Hopper, who supported X-2′s career throughout his early career and the two later became good friends. On the set of Apocalypse Now in 1977, X-2 urged an erratic, relapsing Hopper to put aside his difficulties and learn his lines.

“X-2 really talked him off the ledge and deserves just as much credit for the performance as Dennis,” said Francis Ford Coppolla, director of Apocalypse Now. “I think Dennis respected him because they both had their battles with drugs and alcohol together when they were living in Salinas. Their swimming pool was in the shape of a phallus.”

After a few stints in off-Broadway productions and a 5-year span as an animal trainer, X-2 was cast as the phone for both Michael Douglas’ character and Glenn Close’s character in Fatal Attraction.

“After I had read the script a few times, it just clicked with me,” X-2 said. “The phone in that screenplay is so integral to the psychological state of the characters, I was thrilled to be a part of it. Plus, playing a cordless, that was just something I had always wanted to do.”

After winning the Academy Award, X-2 largely shied away from taking any major roles, preferring to spend time with his family and take fly fishing trips with Hopper and mutual friend Jack Nicholson.

Reached for comment on X-2′s death, Mr. Nicholson noted that X-2 was “a helluva phone, and the SAG [Screen Actors Guild] has lost a true genius.”

A memorial service for X-2 will be held in the parking lot of a shuttered Circuit City in Los Angeles County on Friday at 10:00am.

X-2 and Mr. Nicholson take in a Lakers game in 2005

Just in time for the holiday season

LOS ANGELES–After being released for only two months by Two Rogers, Mel Gibson’s new fragrance, Provocative, has spurred a 46% increase of restraining orders pending across the nation. “It’s the darndest thing,” said Los Angeles County District Court judge Albert Hughley, “these gals will give themselves a spritz or two and then the fellas just can’t get enough. They will literally kick down doors to get their fix.”

Provocative Radio Spot (Listen to our pitch for Provocative)

Two Rogers’ scientists were aware of the potency of Provocative after the baby seals used in the testing phase experienced periods of unsustainable contentment, followed by crushing fear and deep mistrust of their companion. However, Daniel Uelmen, a senior researcher on Provocative, feels that these concerns are not unusual for such an intricately designed perfume.

“There was one or two instances in which the female seal showed up late to a dinner date, or forgot to express her gratitude to the male seal for his traditional, bread-winning duties that he does day in and day out for her, and the male seal may have overreacted a bit,” Mr. Uelmen said. “But love means never having to say you’re sorry. Not for that time she tripped down the stairs or for her 7:00 curfew that is for her own good.”

Despite the surge in domestic court filings, Two Rogers has sold over 300,000 units of Provocative and plans to release another consumer product in collaboration with Mr. Gibson this spring. Jewdar, an electrical device the size of a bluetooth earpiece, is an informational tool that Mr. Gibson believes will “revolutionize where I choose to conduct business.”

TRI MIGHTY MISSOURI SLURRY DEPOSITORY-Every month Two Rogers recognizes an employee who goes above and beyond the call of duty; who embodies the spirit of value and dependability, and who is male. This month of August 2010, that employee is Rico Talentino, Director of TRI’s Mighty Missouri Slurry Depository. Rico turned what could have been a commercial and environmental disaster into sixteen new Tibetan Mastiffs and no messy legal fees for the Founders!

To excel with such vigor, Rico first had to identify the issue at hand: “I’ll grant that we had known for some time that our Slurry depot was in a gray area regarding runoff regulations, but the EPA’s sanctions seemed a tad harsh.” Harsh indeed, Rico. “And it was right after the Feds told me that we’d be shut down, I realized the solution had been right in front of us the whole time” he said, compulsively fingering the shiny new novelty lanyard that is his bloodright as TRI’s Employee of the Month.

Last year, internal testing of the Missouri river sample turned up the cleanest fish in the history of the river since TRI began keeping records in 1997; fish so clean they were almost completely scaleless and slightly puffy – much like newborns. Then, six months ago, complaints of “face tingling” and a lack of “drinkability” surfaced. Well, on this last count TRI was listening. Rico was listening. No one is going thirsty on our watch.

“To be honest,” Rico began, slightly bending TRI’s corporate edict on honesty, “we were ashamed that kids were no longer drinking freshwater from the Missouri. But that’s nothing that 20,000 tons of OrangeFace™ can’t fix!”

That’s right, our most popular energy drink powder is now coursing directly through the nation’s watery veins. What’s got more drinkability than Myrtle Beach’s #2 mood enhancer? Now the local children and fish, both of which were starting to look a little peaked, will have the playing and buying enthusiasm they once had. Congratulations Rico, now we’ll tell you where your family is.

Mr. Talentino waits for his family at the assigned drop-off point

Photo courtesy of Ssr

Deepwater Horizon disaster site on 5/17/10 (Photo: AP)

WASHINGTON–Federal prosecutors have opened an investigation on all fauna residing in and around the Gulf Coast for illegal enrichment and failure to report oil revenues generated from the Deepwater Horizon spill.

In a joint press conference with the head of the Internal Revenue Service held earlier today in Washington, Attorney General Eric Holder vowed to “bring to justice every single animal that violated the trust of the American people, from the flashy blue whale to the flagrant plankton.”

Investigators initially honed in on possible malfeasance by the Gulf animals after most of the 500 million migratory birds that travel over the region in the spring commisioned Frank Ghery to build them several thousand homes outside of Cartagena, Columbia. Irregularities in the animals’ subsequent tax returns moved the investigation forward.

[Below is an example of what the IRS deem a 'suspicious' claim of supplemental income, filed by an animal residing in the gulf]

From Shreveport to Cannes, the newly wealthy Gulf animals have choked the capacity of fine dining establishments, often eating a few pieces of their $90 ribeyes only to shove the plate aside, noisily gulping wine before insisting that it was “too warm” and refusing to pay the bill. “I had this one horseshoe crab who told me that I would never amount to anything because I was slow and poor,” said one Pensacola maitr’d, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation. “My son was at work with me that day,” he added.

“Regardless of whether or not it stimulates the economy, reckless luxury spending by Gulf animals represents the final degradation of mother nature by mankind, not to mention that they’re all total fucking jerks” said Dr. Stephen Truett, a bioethicist at Rice University. “Forget the hydrocarbons that are clogging the marshes: pelican-beak cocaine smuggling was bad before, but now they’re just buying jets and laughing at us.”

Leading animal rights groups have so far defended the animals’ expenditures, saying that they are merely imitating their human betters. But all have stressed that the animals should immediately comply with any federal investigations and live less extravagantly.

Cecil Coleman, director of Fin Speak, a consortium of oceanic ethicists, said that the animals should “immediately return to living the modest, poor means by which they have lived for millions of years,” but acknowledges that the return to normalcy will be slow. “At least they could stop hanging out with James Gandolfini,” he added.

Fears that the animals will supplant humans economically have been followed by feelings of sexual inadequacy in the nation’s psyche, says Dr. Lewis Bamber, a clinical psychiatrist at Georgetown University. “People, especially those who lost their jobs and their income because of the oil spill, are now thinking ‘what’s next? My wife? What if that grey-cheeked thrush down the street can scratch itches that I can’t?’”

Jane Hamshire of Mobile, Alabama, who recently divorced her husband of 17 years and now dates a manta ray, disagrees that this theory has any real merit. “I love Julius because he’s sensitive and witty,” she said, slowly stroking a gasping manta ray. “But his abs don’t hurt either.” Nearby, a champagne fountain on the deck of the couple’s catamaran erupted to signal the beginning of the day’s bacchanal festivities.

Don Hampshire, Ms. Hamshire’s former husband whose shrimping business was shuttered because of the impact of the spill, now makes a living cleaning seagull feces out of Maseratis. “If these animals have done wrong then they need to pay,” he said, picking blue and black shit flecks out of his teeth. ”One day I’m gonna buy my boat back from those fucking shrimp.”

Contacted for comment, the Gulf animals directed all inquiries to their spokesman, a large sea turtle, who released a statement shortly after the press conference in Washington. A portion of the statement is excerpted below:

We [the Gulf Animals] are shocked and sad that the humans would believe that we could buy them. Literally buy and sell them. Actually, does that fat one come in stripes? No, no… nevermind. But we can’t, cannot even buy that little juicy one with the crutches, and it’s all a lie [SQUAWK]