Lil’ Glassblowers

Glassblowing is for ages 2-200

ORIGIN: Lil’ Glassblowers Kit was devised by a TRI Tadpolez researcher in 1997 who was studying the diary of colonial pioneer John Smith.

Smith noticed that if he forced children to blow glass, adults had more time to experiment with tobacco and forge mutually beneficial relationships with Indians. From his diary:

Whilst forming the molten glas, I espied numerous children gathering round the glowing orb, all eager to behold its malleable center, which they did after mine urging. They all squealed in painful delight. Also, today I discovered that the savages are capable of contracting siphilis.

Once this startling window into our country’s history was discovered, our researchers began discovering other accounts of  juvenile glassblowing.

For instance, Paul Revere’s younger brother, Clem, who was 14 in 1775, was originally tasked with the duty of warning residents of Somerville, Medford, and Arlington, Massachusetts, about the impending British invasion. However, as noted in Paul’s diary, Clem was too distracted to complete the mission:

After Doctor Warren had informed me of [the planned British invasion], I traveled home to rouse Clemeth, as a spry and nimble youth would be better suited to alert the province whilst I joined Mr. Adams and Mr. Hancock to evacuate our most important papers. Would you believe that he was still awake at one o’ clock in the foulest of tempers, blowing glass and quaffing brandy? It mattered not to him that our home would soon be sieged, and he told me in no uncertain terms that it was better that he was blowing glass and not [penis] like his older brother. I have never been so ashamed.

This would be proven untrue, as Revere would later become embroiled in the Tallywhacker Affair of 1806. Nevertheless, glassblowing was undoubtedly a fad amongst the youths of early America, and TRI Tadpolez believed the time was right to steer our nation’s children back to the wholesome days of their forebears.

Thus Lil’ Glassblowers Kit was released with great fanfare at the 402th anniversary of Jamestown settlement in 2009. Sasha Obama was the first to try the product, and she blew a 12 inch novelty liquor glass.

PRODUCT DESCRIPTION:

  • 6 ft blowpipe
  • 4′ x 4′ x 3′ cast iron stove
  • 40lb bag of silicon powder
  • 10lb bags of cadmium, magnesium, and other assorted chemicals
  • 1 tube of Two Rogers Lip Balm
  • 1 inflatable Supervision Doll with AccuParent™ height technology

REASONS TO CONTINUE PRODUCTION: Preliminary studies of children ages 2-18 who use Lil’ Glassblowers indicate that deteriorating lung capacity due to prolonged exposure to the inhalation of vapors resulting from molten chemicals remains a virtual non-issue, especially amongst children who inflate the Supervision Doll to the same height as their parents. Still, TRI Tadpolez remains committed to keeping their customers happy and healthy, which is why an advertising campaign was launched in the spring of 2010 to make sure children who play with Lil’ Glassblowers get their quarterly MRI, as recommended on the packaging.

Remember kidz: MRIs in Mexico are the same as ones performed in the US

THE FUTURE: TRI Tadpolez is committed to expanding its success with Lil’ Glassblowers into metallurgy, and perhaps disease research. Small, nimble hands almost always translate into success in such ventures, and as long as the kids keep playin’, Tadpolez is makin’!

The future is too bright to bother with safety goggles

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  1. Luigi Fulk on November 14, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Goodness gracious that’s funny.

  2. Regina Foucault on December 1, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    Hi, my sister Christina recommended this blog. Are there any modern day Garys? He’s so cute…

  3. Kim Kardashian on December 7, 2010 at 2:10 am

    I think this is a great way for kids to let out stress.

  4. Maurita Iacovissi on December 16, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Ah! So cute, little glassblowers, blowin’ their little hearts out!

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