Office Romance

His balls were being gripped by the same cold, metallic hand that had sauteed his lemon chicken earlier that night.

These days he felt like he could never escape it. The hand belonged to his girlfriend Hannah, whom Ty Dobie had met at a RetroTech company party the year before. It was an unusual company, one that specialized in reverse-engineering custom items, usually fictional cars or mechanical props from old movies. “Easy there, honey.”

“Oh I’m sorry, I thought you liked that.”

“They’re kinda sensitive.” He felt like asking again why her hands were so cold, and hard, but he knew it made her uncomfortable. And besides, she had once given him an answer that still deeply unnerved him. It wasn’t that she said “I was made that way”, it was the way she had said it. The last syllable had a weird vibrato to it, almost like the word itself was synthetic. She quickly cleared her throat and tried to smile reassuringly, but Ty had been unable to keep his face from freezing in fear.

He lay thinking to himself while she cleared the dishes, and could just see her backside from the crack in the bedroom door. Hannah Velmenni was blonde and curvy, with perfectly symmetrical features and flawless skin. She said she was half Icelandic, but visually her ethnicity was hard to place. She was definitely more attractive than him and probably smarter as well, although she was as secretive about her education as she was with everything else. Looking at the outline of her tight fitting shorts against the sink, he chided himself for his wild preoccupations, trying to calm the uneasiness in his gut. Ty Dobie told himself that she was as perfect as she appeared on the surface. He heard her call from the kitchen saying that they should get away for the weekend before he drifted into a deep sleep

It was around noon when Ty awoke in the passenger seat of his Hyundai Graiai. Startled, he asked Hannah what had happened. She told him he had overslept and that they were on their way to an amusement park, FunCo, just outside of Portland, where they lived. He realized his asshole really hurt and wondered why. He started to say something but shut his mouth, confused. “Yeah, who doesn’t like roller coasters.”

They spent the day riding the Inside Out Monster, the Bloody Disaster, the Gut Buster, and everyone’s favorite, The Incredible Time Machine. As they were almost towards the end of the Gut Buster, making their way past Peritoneum Island and caroming around Intestine Mountain, Hannah produced a spliff from her pocket. As she lit it, Ty leaned over to kiss her, wiping away some of the entrail confetti from the amusement ride. Ty took a few drags and looked at her, smiling sweetly next to him. His eyes almost welled up, and he wondered if he might be in love with this odd beauty. They walked with their arms around each other towards The Incredible Time Machine…

A lot has been written about this particular roller coaster because of the eccentricity of its designer, and because of its affect on those who ride it. Conceived and built by a Haitian engineer shortly before he died of mysterious causes in 1998, it was housed almost entirely underground. In a landscape covered with massive 200-400 ft. tall tracks and support beams, the small blue tent with Incredible Time Machine scrawled on it in orange spray paint looked more like a janitor’s closet than the most popular roller coaster on the west coast. It had several strange rules – people were allowed in only one at a time, and were permitted no electronics. Most strange of all, riders said it felt like it took several minutes but outside observers reported it only taking about 20-30 seconds.

Ty could feel Hannah’s nice, hard hands kneading the tension out of his shoulders. “God! That feels incredible…” As Ty was stepping up to be next in line, he started to feel sluggish. He tried to lift the ice cream cone he was holding to his mouth and it hit the right side of his face, and slid down his chin. Then everything went black.

He dreamt of the first time he had been on The Incredible Time Machine. He was 12 and with his grandfather. He stepped into the red painted circle in the middle of the tent and descended into a white room. Suddenly everything was black, and on the adjacent screen he could see a sky scraper. He felt himself tilt, and suddenly the box was plummeting down the skyscraper. It seemed like colors were being projected onto the back of his eyelids. At the last moment the box pulled up, speeding through 1950s Manhattan at an incredible rate. It was exhilarating, and felt unbelievably real. When he got out of the tent he was wide-eyed and his body was sore. He looked up at his grandfather, whose hair looked windswept, and they both smiled devilishly.

When Ty awoke the light was blinding and he realized he was lying upright. “Oh shit” he said, when he had regained some of his vision. Hannah just smiled.

He felt again the cold, hard grip around his balls, although this time he knew it wasn’t Hannah’s hand. In fact, he was disturbingly sure that it wasn’t a human hand at all. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…”, he thought. He was in metal restraints, except that the restraints were moving… He knew then that something was terribly wrong. And when his vision finally became unblurred he realized the full, awful truth.

-Apparently, he had been kidnapped by fully-functional, terminator-style robots.

-Holy fuck, what!

“Okay, let’s kill him”. It was a robot voice to the left of him. [I don’t know if you’ve ever heard a robot sound eager, but it is truly terrifying.]

“Goddamnit, 1000, you know what we agreed upon” said ‘Hannah’, as half of her face hung off, revealing a bevy of robot parts and whirring lights. Disturbingly, Ty realized he still found her attractive.

“Oh right” T-1000 said, “the raping”.

Then Ty had the displeasure of hearing robot tittering, in unison, which was even worse than the eagerness.

“Where the fuck is my ice cream!” He realized that this was an irrelevant thing to say, but it was all he could get out.

Hannah’s head turned and focused on him, “This is easier if you relax, dear”.

The robot raping was as bad as he would have imagined it… struggle was entirely ineffective… he emitted monster truck rallies worth of screaming. Thankfully, about ten minutes into the bionic gangbang, he passed out.

Part Two

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  1. Reggie Bumphis on November 26, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Man, I haven’t seen the Terminator movies in forever. This story makes me nostalgic. I can’t sleep though – need more parables!

  2. Hailey Aslam on December 17, 2010 at 12:53 am

    Another way to be romantic is chocolates. That is, if you are not into the whole robot rape thing…

  3. Arlette Chiapetti on December 17, 2010 at 1:42 am

    That is soooo sweet.

  4. Stefany Sprole on December 17, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    I agree. Just goes to show that love will find a way.

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