Sharp Marbles

How could this be wrong?

ORIGIN: Invented in 1938 by Stephen Rockblatt, Sharp Marbles represented TRI’s finest confluence of practicality and profitability. Children had been playing with crude, home-made versions of Sharp Marbles for years during the Depression and the technology was well established. Regular “smooth” marbles rolled away from children, condoning the cowardly practice of retreating from Reds, Chicoms, and one’s family instead of assembling atomizers or cleaning blueberries. Hitler was offered $3 million dollars to commit suicide with Sharp Marbles but refused. President Roosevelt gave them as gifts to his grandchildren after his famous “Bleeding Cuticles” speech.

Polio or Playtime? You be the Judge

PRODUCT DESCRIPTION: While Sharp Marbles share the same basic glass composition as regular marbles, they are in fact expertly honed to have only the sharpest of edges, making them easier to grip and at least 43% more fun.*

REASONS FOR CEASING PRODUCTION: Sizable minority contracted hemophilia from coming in contact with Sharp Marbles; efforts to soften sharp edges with cushy lead made children lazy. Band-Aid lobby became too powerful a force within the Federal government, as evidenced by Admiral Dewey’s 1948 vice presidential nominee, Fred McKneeskin. Sharp Marbles were briefly renamed “Owies” for the Christmas season of 1962 to no measurable success. In 1987, Two Rogers added state-of-the-art “Flavor Crystals” to the exterior of Sharp Marbles, in the hopes that a new sensory dimension would improve sales; flavors included “Plain Sugar,” “Honey,” “Diet Honey,” “Red Lollipop,” and “Bactine.” However, instead of licking their fingers after touching the Sharp Marbles as TRI engineers intended, children were observed in beta testing ingesting Sharp Marbles. These children read at significantly lower grade levels than their peers but “Flavor Crystals” were discontinued. Resources that must be directed to the legal department outweigh any profit gained from TRI’s continued production of Sharp Marbles.

*Based on funability study conducted in Hamburg, Germany in 1943.

Tears of Joy

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