Gulf Coast Animals Fail to Disclose Oil Revenue

August 31, 2010
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Gulf Coast Animals Fail to Disclose Oil Revenue

WASHINGTON–Federal prosecutors have opened an investigation on all fauna residing in and around the Gulf Coast for illegal enrichment and failure to report oil revenues generated from the Deepwater Horizon spill. In a joint press conference with the head of the Internal Revenue Service held earlier today in Washington, Attorney General Eric Holder vowed...
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Synergystic Outperformance Goals Do Not Include Shit Napkins

August 31, 2010
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Synergystic Outperformance Goals Do Not Include Shit Napkins

KANSAS CITY–Believe it or not, the year 2009 was one of Two Rogers’ best in its one hundred and fifteen years of existence. We weathered an early volume tumble while maintaining a steady EPS, and the unexplained fire at the Lisbon plant was finally...
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Privileged Dissent: What I Can’t Smell Can Hurt Me

August 25, 2010
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Privileged Dissent: What I Can’t Smell Can Hurt Me

Priviledged Dissent is a weekly column written by the founders of Two Rogers devoted to voicing the concerns of the working class people who employ working class people. A few days ago, as I was returning from my bi-weekly Egyptian massage (it’s exactly like...
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BREAKING: Castlevania Buzzsaw Will Seek Attorney General Seat in 2012

August 25, 2010
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BREAKING: Castlevania Buzzsaw Will Seek Attorney General Seat in 2012

FAIRFAX, VA– Transcript of remarks made by Castlevania Buzzsaw at Grand Opening of Mega Home Depot MR. BUZZSAW: Thank you. Thank you, please, please sit. I first would like...
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Tokyo Stunned, TRI Ebullient, As Asian Merkin Futures Fall

August 10, 2010
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Tokyo Stunned, TRI Ebullient, As Asian Merkin Futures Fall

TOKYO– In pachinko parlors and nantaimori events across the country, the Japanese people are weighed down by collective melancholy.  Yes, it is their beloved merkin industry that is today’s...
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Apple Approves TRI’s Tire-Slashing App

July 7, 2010
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Apple Approves TRI’s Tire-Slashing App

CUPERTINO–Representatives from Apple said late Tuesday that it has approved an app developed by Two Rogers, Inc. that allows users to remotely deflate tires by violently impaling them. The...
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TRI Unveils the Genealogy of Trying

July 1, 2010
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TRI Unveils the Genealogy of Trying

INDONESIA, 20 BILLION B.C.– E. Melspokanicus was transparent and a little slimy, like most bacteria.  Also like most bacteria, he didn’t feel incredibly sexy.  He had spent most of...
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Better Business Bureau: Pregnant Strippers Must Stop Advertising Lap Dances as “Two for Price of One”

June 23, 2010
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Better Business Bureau: Pregnant Strippers Must Stop Advertising Lap Dances as “Two for Price of One”

SIOUX FALLS–In a setback to TRI’s vast network of erotic discos, the BBB issued a press release warning strippers who are carrying child that they cannot promote their services...
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Intern Defiles Priceless Steven Seagal

May 14, 2010
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Intern Defiles Priceless Steven Seagal

JEFFERSON PARISH, LA–Curators around the world are lamenting the abasement of a priceless Steven Seagal at the hands of an inexperienced intern at his home on the outskirts of...
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