REGGIE SPEAKS! TRI’s Exclusive Interview With LA’s Hottest Alligator

May 12, 2010
By
REGGIE SPEAKS! TRI’s Exclusive Interview With LA’s Hottest Alligator

For 17 of his 20 years, Reggie the alligator lived on the lam in the country’s second-largest city. “I was constantly looking over my shoulder for a net that wasn’t there,” he says with a twinge of nostalgia, sipping on a glass of tomato juice at the Four Seasons in Los Angeles. “And as...
Read more »

Thursday Media Column: How To Be A Journalist For A Profit-Chugging Corporation

May 6, 2010
By
Thursday Media Column: How To Be A Journalist For A Profit-Chugging Corporation

Ever since I was a young boy I wanted to write for the papers. My father would come home from work and sit in his favorite chair while my mother would get him his drink of choice (codeine–two cubes), and he would read every...
Read more »

JFK Warned of “Taco Shortage” Minutes Before Death

April 29, 2010
By
JFK Warned of “Taco Shortage” Minutes Before Death

WASHINGTON–A top Pentagon official indicated that if TRI maybe wanted to look in Vault 4C at this building in Denver, they might find records that perhaps someone could use in concluding that JFK may or may not have been alerted of a domestic taco...
Read more »

Goren Left His Birthday Wish List at the Copy Station!

April 22, 2010
By
Goren Left His Birthday Wish List at the Copy Station!

Guys! I still don’t know exactly when Goren’s birthday is, but he left his “wish list” next to the copy machine, so it must be close! Lets all try...
Read more »

Driver’s Ed Helps Seniors Achieve Independence, Revenge

April 21, 2010
By
Driver’s Ed Helps Seniors Achieve Independence, Revenge

ROANOKE, VA–Two Rogers, Inc. is proud to announce its Golden Wheels driving seminar for senior citizens. The course stresses safety, awareness, and the palpable satisfaction of vehicular reprisal for...
Read more »

Kurt Russell Airlines: “Fuck the Volcanic Ash, Welcome Aboard”

April 17, 2010
By
Kurt Russell Airlines: “Fuck the Volcanic Ash, Welcome Aboard”

LONDON–Despite the closure of airspace over twenty European countries due to volcanic ash spreading over the continent, Kurt Russell Airlines (KRA) announced Sunday they will resume all scheduled flights...
Read more »

SEC to Goldman Sachs: Selling Lemonade is Illegal

April 16, 2010
By
SEC to Goldman Sachs: Selling Lemonade is Illegal

NEW YORK–Attorneys for the Securities & Exchange Commission filed suit against Goldman Sachs & Co. today in federal court for selling lemonade. This would be the first time in...
Read more »

TRI Semester at Sea Student Discovers Worst Paragraph Ever Written

April 13, 2010
By
TRI Semester at Sea Student Discovers Worst Paragraph Ever Written

INT’L WATERS off the coast of CAPE VERDE ISLANDS- University of North Carolina junior Xialou Johnson has discovered what is now unanimously considered the worst paragraph ever written.  While...
Read more »

Latest Mishap May Spell Doom for Rogerty Arts

April 13, 2010
By
Latest Mishap May Spell Doom for Rogerty Arts

Although its mission statement is clearly defined, confusion over the content of a certain show at the Tacoma Center for Puppetry Arts has endangered one of the most promising...
Read more »