Calm Down Everybody, Picasso is Fine

April 8, 2010
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Calm Down Everybody, Picasso is Fine

This article originally appeared in TRI Weekly on April 8, 1973 MOUGINS, FRANCE–Listen, I understand that you’re all a little nervous. Who can blame you! Seeing a nonagenarian treasure like Mr. Picasso negotiate the terms of his licensing agreement alone on a yacht anchored off the coast of Monaco would trigger a primal, paternalistic...
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RogerBot Has Escaped; Dominates Women’s Basketball

April 6, 2010
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RogerBot Has Escaped; Dominates Women’s Basketball

WACO, TX–It appears that the whereabouts of TRI’s $30 million investment are now known. RogerBot has enrolled at Baylor University and is playing center for the women’s basketball team. While our scientists initially believed that its Compassion Processor was small enough to resist the...
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NY Times: Everyone’s Interns Are Illegal Except for TRI’s

April 5, 2010
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NY Times: Everyone’s Interns Are Illegal Except for TRI’s

NEW YORK–An article in the New York Times published on Thursday implicitly endorses the internship program at Two Rogers, Inc. by exposing the widespread failure of other companies to pay their interns in actual currency (“Growth of Unpaid Internships May Be Illegal, Officials Say“)....
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SCIENCE: Neptune May Have Facefucked Another Planet’s Wife

March 13, 2010
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SCIENCE: Neptune May Have Facefucked Another Planet’s Wife

ROGERS, NEW MEXICO — Dr. Vlad Nightengale: “With all due respect, I have seen some hairy shit since I took over as lead astronomer here at TRU Science, not...
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TRI Acquires GlobalOrphan, Porridge Expected

March 9, 2010
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TRI Acquires GlobalOrphan, Porridge Expected

KANSAS CITY–Two Rogers Inc. is proud to announce its acquisition of the world’s seventh cleanest orphanage chain. TRI has steadily been developing our product line of orphans and homeless...
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