Posts Tagged ‘ Press ’

Intern Finds Magazine From 2029, TRI Panics

November 22, 2010
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Oh, I knew it!  Eddie Murphy's a damned cyborg.

It was early Monday morning when TRI intern Jessie Iredale went to retrieve the latest issue of People from the copy room. Lifting up the cover of the copy machine and expecting to see Nick Lachey’s smiling face staring up at her, she suddenly became very still. Fighting the panic rising in her throat,...
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US, Two Rogers, Apologize to Guatemala for Releasing Gary

October 1, 2010
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US, Two Rogers, Apologize to Guatemala for Releasing Gary

WASHINGTON–State Department officials, in tandem with Two Rogers, Inc., formally apologized to the citizens of Guatemala for releasing a Two Rogers test subject, Gary, into their general population in 1946. “Had we known that Gary’s irresistible good looks and worldly charm would combine with his advanced cases of syphilis and gonorrhea to infect thousands...
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Oscar Winning Phone from Fatal Attraction, Dead at 53

September 22, 2010
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Oscar Winning Phone from Fatal Attraction, Dead at 53

LOS ANGELES–TRI Rotary X7-442572, a phone famous for appearing in over 50 feature films and winning an Academy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role in 1988 for his role in Fatal Attraction, died at his home in Santa Barbara on Tuesday. The cause was a stroke, his spouse, Sharon Miller, said. He...
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‘Tragedy’ Now ‘Tastee’, Thanks to TRI Employee of the Month

September 2, 2010
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‘Tragedy’ Now ‘Tastee’, Thanks to TRI Employee of the Month

TRI MIGHTY MISSOURI SLURRY DEPOSITORY-Every month Two Rogers recognizes an employee who goes above and beyond the call of duty; who embodies the spirit of value and dependability, and who is male. This month of August 2010, that employee is Rico Talentino, Director of TRI’s Mighty Missouri Slurry Depository. Rico turned what could have...
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Synergystic Outperformance Goals Do Not Include Shit Napkins

August 31, 2010
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Synergystic Outperformance Goals Do Not Include Shit Napkins

KANSAS CITY–Believe it or not, the year 2009 was one of Two Rogers’ best in its one hundred and fifteen years of existence. We weathered an early volume tumble while maintaining a steady EPS, and the unexplained fire at the Lisbon plant was finally extinguished. Our R&D department pivoted with the agility of a...
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Privileged Dissent: What I Can’t Smell Can Hurt Me

August 25, 2010
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Privileged Dissent: What I Can’t Smell Can Hurt Me

Priviledged Dissent is a weekly column written by the founders of Two Rogers devoted to voicing the concerns of the working class people who employ working class people. A few days ago, as I was returning from my bi-weekly Egyptian massage (it’s exactly like a normal massage but instead of hands they use tiny...
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BREAKING: Castlevania Buzzsaw Will Seek Attorney General Seat in 2012

August 25, 2010
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BREAKING: Castlevania Buzzsaw Will Seek Attorney General Seat in 2012

FAIRFAX, VA– Transcript of remarks made by Castlevania Buzzsaw at Grand Opening of Mega Home Depot MR. BUZZSAW: Thank you. Thank you, please, please sit. I first would like to thank Mayor Robert Lederer for inviting me to speak tonight. Bob? Where’s Bob? There he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Mayor Lederer! *APPLAUSE* We’re here...
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TRI Unveils the Genealogy of Trying

July 1, 2010
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TRI Unveils the Genealogy of Trying

INDONESIA, 20 BILLION B.C.– E. Melspokanicus was transparent and a little slimy, like most bacteria.  Also like most bacteria, he didn’t feel incredibly sexy.  He had spent most of his life wafting along, flipping people off with his wriggling flagellae.  On this day, after hitching rides on intestinal amobae, he was puked onto an...
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Intern Defiles Priceless Steven Seagal

May 14, 2010
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Intern Defiles Priceless Steven Seagal

JEFFERSON PARISH, LA–Curators around the world are lamenting the abasement of a priceless Steven Seagal at the hands of an inexperienced intern at his home on the outskirts of New Orleans. Upon learning that the intern, Kayden Nguyen, vitiated the work of art by neglecting its immediate carnal needs, authorities filed suit against Ms....
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REGGIE SPEAKS! TRI’s Exclusive Interview With LA’s Hottest Alligator

May 12, 2010
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REGGIE SPEAKS! TRI’s Exclusive Interview With LA’s Hottest Alligator

For 17 of his 20 years, Reggie the alligator lived on the lam in the country’s second-largest city. “I was constantly looking over my shoulder for a net that wasn’t there,” he says with a twinge of nostalgia, sipping on a glass of tomato juice at the Four Seasons in Los Angeles. “And as...
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