Posts Tagged ‘ Press ’

Thursday Media Column: How To Be A Journalist For A Profit-Chugging Corporation

May 6, 2010
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Thursday Media Column: How To Be A Journalist For A Profit-Chugging Corporation

Ever since I was a young boy I wanted to write for the papers. My father would come home from work and sit in his favorite chair while my mother would get him his drink of choice (codeine–two cubes), and he would read every single word of the Kansas City Mid-Evening Bee Zephyr. Sometimes...
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JFK Warned of “Taco Shortage” Minutes Before Death

April 29, 2010
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JFK Warned of “Taco Shortage” Minutes Before Death

WASHINGTON–A top Pentagon official indicated that if TRI maybe wanted to look in Vault 4C at this building in Denver, they might find records that perhaps someone could use in concluding that JFK may or may not have been alerted of a domestic taco shortage, among other things, moments before his death at the...
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Goren Left His Birthday Wish List at the Copy Station!

April 22, 2010
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Goren Left His Birthday Wish List at the Copy Station!

Guys! I still don’t know exactly when Goren’s birthday is, but he left his “wish list” next to the copy machine, so it must be close! Lets all try and get him what he wants this year, OK?
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Driver’s Ed Helps Seniors Achieve Independence, Revenge

April 21, 2010
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Driver’s Ed Helps Seniors Achieve Independence, Revenge

ROANOKE, VA–Two Rogers, Inc. is proud to announce its Golden Wheels driving seminar for senior citizens. The course stresses safety, awareness, and the palpable satisfaction of vehicular reprisal for drivers who are 60 years old and above. “It can be tough if you’re a senior and you still want to maintain your independence,” says...
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Kurt Russell Airlines: “Fuck the Volcanic Ash, Welcome Aboard”

April 17, 2010
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Kurt Russell Airlines: “Fuck the Volcanic Ash, Welcome Aboard”

LONDON–Despite the closure of airspace over twenty European countries due to volcanic ash spreading over the continent, Kurt Russell Airlines (KRA) announced Sunday they will resume all scheduled flights immediately. Engineers have cautioned that aircraft operating in the ash-saturated skies will suffer irreparable engine damage and are potentially unsafe for passengers and crew, but...
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SEC to Goldman Sachs: Selling Lemonade is Illegal

April 16, 2010
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SEC to Goldman Sachs: Selling Lemonade is Illegal

NEW YORK–Attorneys for the Securities & Exchange Commission filed suit against Goldman Sachs & Co. today in federal court for selling lemonade. This would be the first time in United States history that a company has been prosecuted for refreshing a thirsty nation. “This reeks of faux-populist appeasement and we will fight these allegations...
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TRI Semester at Sea Student Discovers Worst Paragraph Ever Written

April 13, 2010
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TRI Semester at Sea Student Discovers Worst Paragraph Ever Written

INT’L WATERS off the coast of CAPE VERDE ISLANDS- University of North Carolina junior Xialou Johnson has discovered what is now unanimously considered the worst paragraph ever written.  While aboard the cruiseship TRI Fantasia during her Semester at Sea, Xialou innocently enrolled in a Philosophy of Science course and discovered this sickie freakshow: Xialou’s...
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Latest Mishap May Spell Doom for Rogerty Arts

April 13, 2010
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Latest Mishap May Spell Doom for Rogerty Arts

Although its mission statement is clearly defined, confusion over the content of a certain show at the Tacoma Center for Puppetry Arts has endangered one of the most promising wings of Two Rogers. This brave foray into puppet shows known as the Rogerty Arts, is a critical, but not popular, success.  Bold, dynamic interplay...
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Calm Down Everybody, Picasso is Fine

April 8, 2010
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Calm Down Everybody, Picasso is Fine

This article originally appeared in TRI Weekly on April 8, 1973 MOUGINS, FRANCE–Listen, I understand that you’re all a little nervous. Who can blame you! Seeing a nonagenarian treasure like Mr. Picasso negotiate the terms of his licensing agreement alone on a yacht anchored off the coast of Monaco would trigger a primal, paternalistic...
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RogerBot Has Escaped; Dominates Women’s Basketball

April 6, 2010
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RogerBot Has Escaped; Dominates Women’s Basketball

WACO, TX–It appears that the whereabouts of TRI’s $30 million investment are now known. RogerBot has enrolled at Baylor University and is playing center for the women’s basketball team. While our scientists initially believed that its Compassion Processor was small enough to resist the temptation to discover life outside the post-apocalyptic hellscape it was...
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