Posts Tagged ‘ Money ’

New Charity “Freaks For Business” Shows Innovation and Poise

November 4, 2010
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The perfect way to spice up a down economy

Mother nature’s abominations and white collar business: never before have two worlds been so seamlessly enmeshed, thanks to Two Rogers’ newest non-profit, Freaks for Business. Corporations are finding this new class of worker so productive that non-manual freak unemployment rates have plummeted, dropping 50% in the last 6 months alone. This sharp drop in...
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Two Rogers’ Smartphone App Sorts Celebrity Genitals from Normal Genitals

October 22, 2010
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Two Rogers’ Smartphone App Sorts Celebrity Genitals from Normal Genitals

Determining whether or not the picture of exposed genitalia on your phone belongs to a celebrity or a loved one has never been easier, thanks to Genitalyzer, a new mobile application developed by Two Rogers, Inc. Using the latest in biometric technology, Genitalyzer intercepts SMS images of male or female genitals and scrutinizes individual...
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Mel Gibson’s New Fragrance Spurs 46% Increase in Restraining Orders

September 10, 2010
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Mel Gibson’s New Fragrance Spurs 46% Increase in Restraining Orders

LOS ANGELES–After being released for only two months by Two Rogers, Mel Gibson’s new fragrance, Provocative, has spurred a 46% increase of restraining orders pending across the nation. “It’s the darndest thing,” said Los Angeles County District Court judge Albert Hughley, “these gals will give themselves a spritz or two and then the fellas...
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Tokyo Stunned, TRI Ebullient, As Asian Merkin Futures Fall

August 10, 2010
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Tokyo Stunned, TRI Ebullient, As Asian Merkin Futures Fall

TOKYO– In pachinko parlors and nantaimori events across the country, the Japanese people are weighed down by collective melancholy.  Yes, it is their beloved merkin industry that is today’s casualty. While not completely eviscerated, the time-honored traditional manufacturing base was dealt a crippling blow after TRI Industries announced its new fall product line this...
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Apple Approves TRI’s Tire-Slashing App

July 7, 2010
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Apple Approves TRI’s Tire-Slashing App

CUPERTINO–Representatives from Apple said late Tuesday that it has approved an app developed by Two Rogers, Inc. that allows users to remotely deflate tires by violently impaling them. The app, called iGash, is expected to be available from Apple’s App Store on Friday, and has already prompted gushing reviews from industry insiders. “iGash is...
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Better Business Bureau: Pregnant Strippers Must Stop Advertising Lap Dances as “Two for Price of One”

June 23, 2010
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Better Business Bureau: Pregnant Strippers Must Stop Advertising Lap Dances as “Two for Price of One”

SIOUX FALLS–In a setback to TRI’s vast network of erotic discos, the BBB issued a press release warning strippers who are carrying child that they cannot promote their services under the guise of “two for the price of one” without running afoul of the Bureau’s regulations guiding fair business practices. The Bureau’s sternly worded...
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Driver’s Ed Helps Seniors Achieve Independence, Revenge

April 21, 2010
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Driver’s Ed Helps Seniors Achieve Independence, Revenge

ROANOKE, VA–Two Rogers, Inc. is proud to announce its Golden Wheels driving seminar for senior citizens. The course stresses safety, awareness, and the palpable satisfaction of vehicular reprisal for drivers who are 60 years old and above. “It can be tough if you’re a senior and you still want to maintain your independence,” says...
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Kurt Russell Airlines: “Fuck the Volcanic Ash, Welcome Aboard”

April 17, 2010
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Kurt Russell Airlines: “Fuck the Volcanic Ash, Welcome Aboard”

LONDON–Despite the closure of airspace over twenty European countries due to volcanic ash spreading over the continent, Kurt Russell Airlines (KRA) announced Sunday they will resume all scheduled flights immediately. Engineers have cautioned that aircraft operating in the ash-saturated skies will suffer irreparable engine damage and are potentially unsafe for passengers and crew, but...
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SEC to Goldman Sachs: Selling Lemonade is Illegal

April 16, 2010
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SEC to Goldman Sachs: Selling Lemonade is Illegal

NEW YORK–Attorneys for the Securities & Exchange Commission filed suit against Goldman Sachs & Co. today in federal court for selling lemonade. This would be the first time in United States history that a company has been prosecuted for refreshing a thirsty nation. “This reeks of faux-populist appeasement and we will fight these allegations...
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TRI Acquires GlobalOrphan, Porridge Expected

March 9, 2010
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TRI Acquires GlobalOrphan, Porridge Expected

KANSAS CITY–Two Rogers Inc. is proud to announce its acquisition of the world’s seventh cleanest orphanage chain. TRI has steadily been developing our product line of orphans and homeless children after intially partnering with ChildFinders, Inc. in 1997. This new business acquisition meshes invaluable on-the-ground knowledge with the  efficiency and no-nonsense manner which has...
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